The Fastest Slowest Runner

Waking to the pouring rain, it seemed the weather forecasts had been correct. Bugger. I quickly got myself organised. Oats. Coffee. Get Dressed. Hair. Fill bottles. 

Nutrition planning the day prior

Meanwhile, my wonderful one woman support crew, Kirsten, was stirring in the next room. We left to walk to the start, gentle rain falling, it was going to be wet. It was already wet underfoot, with more rain and possible thunderstorms predicted. I silently thanked my past self for heading out in not great conditions time and again over the past few months. Repeating in my head over and over “You know your gear, you know how to use it, trust your instincts”.

Awkward pre-run portrait

We got to the start area, with a few minutes to the start – perfect timing – I got my starting portrait taken and revelled in the fact that while I was nervous I wasn’t panicking and felt relatively calm. Nothing I can do except go try, the least amount of pressure and fear I’ve ever felt on the start line possibly ever. I was seriously just happy to be there and to be looking forward to a really long run. It has been 4.5yrs since my last run at the 100 mile distance, thanks to a combination of the pandemic and injury.

Surprisingly relaxed given the rain (0km)

With minor fan fair, the race director did a count down from 5 and we were off as the rain started to fall heavier. Seemed fitting. Down the road and onto the single trail of the Packhorse Track. I settled in, reminding myself that I always feel sick and my heart is always racing at this point. Falling into a rhythm, I hiked a few of the longer ups, making sure to stick to my own plan and not that of those around me. Watching the guy in front of me almost roll his ankle twice and then another runner fall made me nervous, it was so slippery on the rocks underfoot and we were moving decently well, it wasn’t long until I caught myself mid ankle roll as well. Shaking it off while checking in – it was all good, it hurt momentarily but seemed ok. Just keep moving. 

In what seemed like forever and also a single moment (time is wonky in ultras) we were back at tarmac and starting the trail to Spion Kopje. Out came my poles. What a muddy mess! Parks Victoria had obviously been working in the area and we were greeted with ankle deep, clay mud that saw people sliding down at a rate of knots. This was a little disappointing, it had been great, runnable firetrail when I ran it in 2017 and I was looking forwarding to being able to comfortably run it this time. Instead, I picked my way down on the edge of the bush where I ended up laughing at myself and my competitors as we slipped and slid down. Some people grumbled and were upset and angry, but I was getting an adventure and I reminded myself I was here for FUN and to be honest, this was hilarious!

I was sticking with my nutrition and eating and drinking well, the little buzz on my wrist every 30min was no cause to pause, take the gel, sip the bottle, have a bite. I watched my fellow adventurers, were they eating? What shoes were those? Cool pack! Meanwhile the bush was waking up around us. I took it all in, it had been a long time since I had been in the Aussie bush at dawn and it was wonderful.

As we descended into the valley, making our way to our first river crossing, a runner I had traded comments with off and on over the past hour or so asked how I intended to get across the river? I looked puzzled and replied “Well, I’m going to wade through it. You?” He proceeded to tell me he intended to jump across. I exclaimed good luck and that I looked forward to seeing that. With the rain and knowing it was a decent crossing I very much doubted that was even a possibility.

At the crossing my thoughts were confirmed. A few metres across and easily knee deep, he had no hope. I watched half my competitors stop to adjust things, change gear etc, at least no one was taking off their shoes this time! Those of us that didn’t stop charged through and then began the first climb up to Warby Corner.

As soon as the climb started my fears about my ability to climb during the race began to ring true. I had been having issues with heavy calves and fatigue on climbs for the past few weeks and it seemed that was still going to be an issue for me today. In addition to my calves and the fatigue in my legs, I also felt really out of breath. I took a moment and pushed that aside, telling myself “Just keep moving”. People started to overtake me, but I kept a few in my sights. Just keep moving. Some thoughts to the effect of “I should be faster than this considering the amount of climbing I’ve been doing” were creeping in, but I reminded myself it was early, I’m here for the long game and to not panic yet. Coming out of the bush line and now alone, I was greeted to fog and wind. Trying to run through the low heath was painful and tedious. The path was hard to see and was not well used, the small shrubs growing onto the path and the hardy branches were rough on my shins and ankles. I was just thankful it was cold and that would hopefully reduce the chance of snakes. As we got closer to Warby the path opened up and I was able to run. My hands were freezing in the wind and I needed to stop to put my gloves on. I wondered it I was being overly cautious, but the guy behind me ran past, saw what I was doing and decided it was a good idea too, so I took comfort in that. Trying to see through the fog and wind, knowing I should just about be at the checkpoint, it wasn’t until I was practically on top of it that I saw the fluoro yellow tent that was the Warby Corner checkpoint.

Lifting my jacket to show my bib and walk past the timing pad, I grabbed my drop bag with the aim to be as efficient as possible. With the wind still whipping at everything I grabbed out what I would need for the loop back to this aid station, dumped my rubbish and refilled one of my bottles, all while bantering with the aid volunteers who offered me a chair in the tent with another runner. Too early for that.

Returning my drop bag, I let them know I was leaving and jogged off into the fog and wind. Making sure to eat as I left, I came across another runner, Dendi, we exchanged a few words and I ran off into the mist. As we came up to Ropers Hut I passed another male runner. We chatted briefly and I stopped to tie my shoe as he continued ahead. I heard the familiar call of a magpie and next thing I knew it was swooping me. I laughed, throwing some choice words and waving my poles at it, thinking “well, this is a true Aussie experience now!” The cloud seemed to break a little and as we descended into the valley the fog dissipated, I was enjoying the downhill and was boosted as I overtook several of the runners who had overtaken me on the climbs, at least I could make up some time this way. At the bottom of the descent I could hear the river before I saw it. It was higher than the last time I had been here, but this crossing had a chain for extra comfort. An Alpine Way through hiker had just come across and exclaimed how awesome it was to finally see a woman in the race. Knowing that there were at least 2 more women ahead of me, one being an elite runner, I knew she must of missed them, but just smiled and told her there were two more strong women right behind me. It was nice to walk across the river, my feet were wet anyway and the fast flowing water was cool and beautiful. The climb back up started immediately. My legs still weren’t in the game on the climbs, but I was resigned to that now, just keep moving and try to push a little. As we broke towards the top of the climb the two other women caught me. The sun was coming out and I decided to stop and take off my rain jacket as it was suddenly quite steamy. This was pretty optimistic of me, but one of the other runners, Steph, stopped beside me and did the same. This is when we first discovered the leeches. I found one on my shoe, as did Steph and after removing them we moved on. Steph ran behind me for a bit and she made up leech songs (millions of leeches, leeches for me) and I proclaimed “Parkour!” every time we had to manoeuvre over a tree across the path, it was a form of amusement at least! At some point Steph overtook me and I was alone again. The runner I had seen at Ropers joined me and informed me I had a leech on the back of my leg, he tried to remove it with his pole but it was stuck well on. Having encountered leeches many times in the past I had no qualms about pulling it off, but to be fair the leech was probably about to drop, it had had a damn good feed! Blood trickled down my leg from the bite, I figured it would wash away with the rain and river to come.

Wandering into Cleve Cole Hut I felt a sense of relief, I knew we were close to the Bogong Summit now which meant I then got to traverse and descend again. Walking up the steps I saw Steph on her way out and as I walked through the door I heard my name “Jo Bailey! What are you doing here? Haven’t you done this race before?” I did a double take, startled by the fact that someone knew me. Sitting at the table marking off names was Andrew, the man who had sized me up for my first set of poles back in Qld many years ago. I smiled and we chatted. I was distracted and needed to get going, but seeing someone I knew was such a boost! I smiled out of the checkpoint and a few hundred metres from the hut, when a patch of blue sky revealed itself, I pulled out my phone for the first time and took a pic.

The trail just past Cleve Cole Hut (39km)

Another female runner, who I think was in competing the 100k, came up beside me and we chatted a little. On the climb up to Bogong Summit she predictably pulled away from me but as we began to get clagged in again and the temperature dropped, she slowed and was obviously trying to reach something in her pack. I came and helped her find her missing gloves – that’s how cold it was getting. I can’t remember when it was I put my jacket back on, but by the time we reached the summit the visibility was low – no views today!

All about the views on Mt Bogong (42km)

It was cold and wet and the jacket was definitely on! I lost the other runner as we traversed to Quartz Ridge, and running on the more technical track I began to catch up to other runners. This was a great source of amusement to me because within the group of people I know locally in Wanaka, I consider myself one of the least technical runners. The sun was out as we traversed the open ridgeline and I paused to take another photo, promising myself that this was the last.

Quartz Ridge calm before the storm (44km)

The sky then let us know that the sunshine would be short lived as the wind picked up and the loud boom of thunder rolled through the sky. I assume it was around this point, as a group of four of us ran across the ridge and into the trees, that the race sent a warning message to runners. I don’t know if I didn’t hear it over the now pelting rain, wind and hail or if we had no service at that point. Taking the descent as quickly as possible, I was now alone again having left the others behind. Arriving at the junction at the bottom, I pulled out my map to double check I took the right direction (Alpine Challenge is a largely unmarked course) and headed along the firetrail. 

Being non-muddy firetrail I was able to click off some some decently paced kilometres before crossing the river and heading back up. In stark contrast to 6 years ago when I passed runners struggling with heat stroke and sitting in the shade, this year I was completely alone and it was cold, so cold. Despite climbing and working hard, my hands were freezing and I was starting to shiver. When I was out of the wind on one of the switchbacks I stopped and pulled out my midlayer to put on under my jacket and noticed I had another fat leech in the same place on the other leg. He was so full he came off with a swift bump from my pole. At least I was symmetrical!

The climb, traverse, climb, traverse back up to Warby seemed to take an age. The sun was out again though, which was welcome, although the track was mostly one long wet puddle, with the ground either side mostly no better. I could see another runner a ways ahead and made it my focus to at least not lose any ground on them. As I came into Warby I grabbed my drop bag and went through the rubbish-replenish routine. I looked at my dry clothes (base layer, socks, buff) and decided against a change there in the tent. I was just over the 60km mark and I was starting to feel it, but I knew I would see my crew at the next aid station which would be a boost. Now that I had phone service, I sent a message to my crew person, Kirsten whilst stuffing pancakes in my mouth and hiking up the track, telling her where I was, along with the same message to some other people who are important to me in my running life. Packing the phone quickly away again, so as not to get distracted, I started to jog. I was trying to figure out if I was ahead or behind of 2017 or my goals for this race, but my head couldn’t figure it out. Trying to remember sections and time of day was just a mind game so I took it all in, just focusing on keeping moving and watching the light change on the clouds. The aid station had been moved from previous years and seemed so much further away than I could remember. I was reduced to doing pole intervals at one point as my first full wave of fatigue hit. I was holding off on using caffeine until later in the night, knowing sleep was usually a bit of a fight, so I ate some more sugary shit and told myself I’d see Kirsten soon and that would be a boost.

As I made it to the hut which was the checkpoint and climbed the stairs, Kirsten greeted me, all business. What did I need to do? Pack off, she removed all the sticky rubbish as I struggled to undress beside the fire. I was offered a chair in front of it but declined, I didn’t want to get comfy and waste time. Changing my top layers, I left my favourite midlayer (the Rab Xenair Alpine Light for those gear nerds) with Kirsten, to dry out for the coming early hours. Swapping into dry upper layers was amazing. I realised I had neglected to add a buff to my dry clothing pile, so my super crew gave up theirs for me to wear, always going the extra mile. The aid station staff also insisted that I took care of the horror show that was the back of my legs. I insisted it made me look super badass having rivers of dried blood staining my calves, but complied as best I could. Whilst I packed my nutrition into my pack for the next stage, Kirsten packed up and trekked to the car up ahead, we were also allowed support there and I was craving fizzy water, which she had in the car.

Off into the blustery night (79km)

Walking up to the car park I figured I was a little ahead of 2017, it was still light, although I would switch my headlamp on as soon as I got to the trail opposite the road. With a quick drink, a hug and some reassurance I set off across the plains into an awful wind. The path was again just a stream and I ran as much as possible. As it quickly grew dark I took note of the pole numbers, they seemed so high, knowing that my next checkpoint was Pole333 and I was in the high 600’s. Ahead I could see a headlamp and I tried hard to catch up to it. Just after we made the turn across the aqueduct, I drew even with Dendi, exchanging some brief words I overtook and sauntered ahead. We yo-yoed back and forth between me still struggling to climb well, the technical trail, him fiddling with his nutrition and me needing to take a toilet break. Eventually Dendi moved ahead, just as we crested the minor climb to Pole333, it was a relief to finally see the flashing light and the volunteer, although the wind was now howling and the fog starting to move in. 

After a brief word with the aid station crew about the direction to head in and how we would see each other sometime tomorrow, I left the checkpoint to follow Dendi’s light ahead of me in the distance. The gentle slope up and over to the descent to Swindlers Spur was slow going. The trail and surrounding ground were again more like one big puddle. I spent my time watching the light ahead of me move away and then come closer, in between trying to negotiate the path of least resistance, least water logging and least mud, often trying to rock hop sections only to find the rocks were submerged well under crystal clear alpine water that didn’t seem to reflect my light. As we began to descend I looked up to spy the poles that marked the path through the growing fog and noticed there was no longer a light ahead of me. As I cast my own headtorch around, I noticed Dendi off to my left, well off the path and seemingly going further away. Stopping to check my own position, I was sure I was in the right place, working towards what I was sure was an Alpine Way pole. I kept an eye on the light which had now paused. Hoping he was correcting I watched as he continued on. I’ll admit I thought of saying nothing, figuring he would realise, but knowing how easy it is to get turned around in the dark and fog and that there was a descent close by I started calling out and flashing my headlamp to get his attention. Once I saw he was course correcting, I started slowly walking ahead until I was sure he had made it to the path. As he caught up we entered the snow gums which added another layer of confusion to the navigation. We lost the path a few times and helped each other to continue on, finally we made it to the defined path and were able to chat without the need for navigational diligence. Running easy down the stairs, I enjoyed the company although I knew I wouldn’t keep up on the climb. At some point about half way down the spur I stepped down from one step to another and instead of ground, my left foot landed on a large loose rock. I rolled my ankle and stopped sharply taking in breath. That really hurt. I took a few steps, and the pain told me I wouldn’t walk this one off easily. I told Dendi good luck, but I needed a break from running so he should go, which he did. Feeling frustrated I hiked for a time, and once my ankle started to hurt less I jogged as much as possible. The fog was now thickening and the climb up to Hotham began. Still very slow and being careful with how I placed my foot, I noticed it seemed ok in some spots but on certain angles pain from my ankle shot up my leg. I figured if we taped it at Hotham I would be ok, so I concentrated on moving forward. I was still eating well, although my electrolyte was making me feel nauseous, so I switched to water and ate some crackers instead of gels and sugars for the next hour, to give my stomach a break. Tiredness was starting to creep in, being past midnight and having been up since 3am the day before. I stopped at some point and sat down for a moment, then rose and powered up the final rise to the ski field. Here the visibility was reduced to less than a metre and the wind was howling. I lost a lot of time just finding the right path, having to constantly check my map and finally resigning myself to turning on the navigation on my watch to help. It did help at times, but at mostly it just added more confusion. As the climb got steeper I knew I was getting close but couldn’t see any lights to indicate the checkpoint or Hotham itself, all I saw was fog reflecting my head torch right back at me. Finally, spray painted arrows appeared on the ground, then traffic cones and a flashing light, I didn’t actually see the checkpoint, which was well lit, until I was basically in front of it. The relief, knowing I could get out of the wind, get warm, get dry clothes and shoes, some hot food and a hug, was huge. 

Kirsten was inside waiting and immediately went to work, taking my pack, commenting on how much I was eating and how much rubbish I had, asking what I wanted to eat, did I want to get changed etc. I took off my shoes and added some leeches to the checkpoint and after a few bites of cheesy mash I went and got completely changed – underwear, layers, socks, everything – and then brushed my teeth. Returning I sat and ate while Kirsten started taping my ankle, it was already bruising and puffy, but the taping felt better immediately. Enjoying the company, I ate and then as the door opened to reveal Steph arriving, Kirsten told me it was time to go and get moving. I got myself together, feeling a little rushed but I knew I had spent enough time at the aid station. The wind was hammering outside – not exactly inviting! Kirsten stepped out with me as I confirmed with the volunteer as to where to go – they had changed the course slightly but I did vaguely remember the way once I crossed the road. As Kirsten closed the door she looked at me very seriously and said something about how I was the first woman at this point and I needed to keep moving. My response was a very loud “Fuck off! Really?”. Knowing well seasoned elite Gill Fowler was in the miler I found that very hard to believe, “What?!”. Apparently the conditions had caused a massive dropout rate, but I needed to go, NOW. Off I went, into the fog and the wind, somewhat bewildered. Really? I decided to just push Kirsten’s update aside and focus on the task at hand, which took all my brain power. I knew that once I hit the road I had to boost up to the ridge and then traverse right to find the trail. I could not find the path to head up, so decided to just make my own way through the heath to the top. I held the checkpoint volunteers promise – that the wind would drop on the other side – very close to my heart, hoping against hope he was right. Finally finding the trail, the fog still hampered my progress, I was moving, albeit slowly, and the wind seemed to be lessening. When I hit the road again it took me a minute to find the reentry to the trail but soon enough I was there, the fog drifted away and the wind dropped and I was suddenly presented with a picture perfect golden moon and clouds above stark white snow gums.

An extremely welcome break from zero visibility (104km)

Jogging painfully slowly and constantly checking paths I made my way to the Bon Accord Descent. I had gotten lost here and taken a wrong turn when I had raced in 2017 and I was determined not to make the same mistake. When I finally moved off the rocky exposed trail to a much steeper forest, I knew I was on the right path.

Having done this section both in a haze of tiredness at daybreak during the miler in 2017 and in late afternoon in with the legs to run the entire descent during the 100k in 2019, this was dark and slow, I lamented not being able to run as much as I wanted. I was starting to misstep through tiredness and my ankle would sharply remind me not to do that. Eventually I decided I needed to succumb before I hurt myself and set about finding a spot on the trail which looked free enough from spiders and ants and flat enough to lie down for a few minutes. I lay down, pack still on, put my timer on and rested my head on my arms. About 8min later I was standing, I ate some chocolate and started jogging down again, not fast but definitely moving better and feeling refreshed. As the track started to become a little less steep I noticed the sky was lightening ever so slowly. I knew I was ahead of my previous miler time now because the sun was well and truly up by this point in 2017. The run down to Washington Creek Bridge took forever. Each time I expected to see it, it wasn’t there. I was trying to run everything flat, but anything even slightly technical and downhill made my ankle scream. Finally, I hit the bridge and I paused to take a pic to send Kirsten. As I crossed over the bridge I heard a voice: “Well you sure are hard to catch!” Turning, I expected to see Steph, but I didn’t know this person. She introduced herself as Britta, the miler sweep. I may have had a minor panic at this point, I was sure I was ahead of cutoffs and there were others behind me, why was the sweep here? The panic must have shown on my face as Britta explained everyone else had dropped and yes, I had plenty of time. Britta was also excited to be at this point so early in the day, as she was usually having to follow the last runner through here several hours later. 

Washington Creek Bridge (115km)

Unsure of how I felt about the having the sweep for company, she reassured me she would hang back and let me do my thing but would occasionally run with me to check in. As we made our way to Harrietville the trail was much more runnable, although I wasn’t able to run for long periods. I was running until my ankle would say stop and then hiking as fast as possible. Between the visibility issues and steep descent of the night and my ankle I knew I was bleeding time. The road suddenly appeared ahead and I knew the next crew point was close, my brain started going over what I needed to do. Did I want to change any clothing or shoes? Not really. The taping seemed to be holding as best it could. So it would be food, water, dump my rubbish and refuel. The checkpoint had probably been a party at some point, but at 7:30am on a sunday after a long night it was pretty subdued. Kirsten took my pack while Britta chatted to the aid station volunteer. I ate some soup from the aid station and some of a dehydrated chocolate pudding meal I had in my drop bag. I think I also had a coffee but to be honest, it’s all a bit of a blur. The next section was weighing on me. The climb that starts when you leave Harrietville (120km) is the biggest climb of the course, but not the last. It is also where everything fell apart the last time I did the miler and I truly believe I only managed to dodge cutoffs that time because of my pacer, Jacqui.

I had just got a message from my coach to say to eat and get out of there, so we started pushing to go. I voiced my concern over cutoffs and all three women jumped in with support that I was ok, I had time. Paul (the RD) was then talking on the radio to the volunteer and agreed I had time, he reiterated the times I needed to be where, finishing with “If she could be finished by 8pm that would be appreciated” – nothing like a deadline to push for. I got mighty teary at this point. As Matty had said in his message, this was the point of no return. We were headed into remote trails again, with no real extraction point until Pole333, some 25km and two climbs away. Kirsten gave me a big hug and gently reminded me that I do hard things and that I love this. I can’t remember what she yelled out to me as I hiked off along the footpath but I know it made me smile and turn, giving her the middle finger and yelling “I love you” to her.

Feather Top, the biggest climb, beginning at 120km in

Starting the climb to Feathertop was pure mind games. I knew my climbing had been subpar all weekend and now I was beyond tired. My body seemed to have worked out how to hike without hurting my ankle, so that was a bonus. Coming up to the trail head I saw a mother kangaroo and her baby in the paddock, mentally adding that to the list of Aussie experiences from the run. The climb was a grind, although I was sure I was moving better than the last time I did the miler. My mind wandered as I climbed but I was shaken from its daydreaming by a familiar bird on the path. It took me a moment to realise that I wasn’t dreaming and that it was indeed a female lyrebird right in front of me. The Australian lyrebird is my spirit bird and to see one now was crazy. I had the biggest smile as she scooted into the forest and I hiked on. The tiredness was definitely starting to permeate into every fibre of my being and Britta soon caught up with me when I stood, my head resting on my poles, trying to move the brain fog that was descending. Once she knew I was ok, she dropped back as I headed onwards. Then the craziest moment happened, coming round the bend to find two(!!!) more lyrebirds. These two were nowhere near as skittish and I was able to pass within a metre of one of them whilst the other darted across directly in from of me. Telling myself it was a really good omen; I got a little boost to hike some more. The fog of tiredness was still there, and I decided I really needed to have a nap. I waited until Britta caught up to me to tell her what I was doing, so she didn’t panic or wake me, and once again searching for a decent spot, lay down for a 10min dirt nap. Waking up I wasn’t as refreshed as the previous nap, but I took in a caffeine gel and continued on. I knew that once we hit the hut it wasn’t far until the turnoff for Feathertop summit. I continually scanned ahead, looking for the tell tale break in the trees. With the hut eventually ticked off, I made my way towards Feathertop. The weather on the climb so far had been mild, I was in a fleece and baselayer, with the forest breaking any wind and the sun intermittently poking through the clouds. As we turned off the main trail to the summit we were once again in fog and wind, a theme for every summit of the run. There seemed to be more false summits than I remembered and I was dreading coming back down the rocky technical path with my ankle being not right. At what was a very disappointing summit of fog, wind and cold, I turned determined to get off there as quickly as possible. Once again in the trees the fog dissipated. I took a quick toilet break and ate some food, readying myself for the descent on Diamantina Spur. As I made my way out along the Spur, Britta seemed to be with me more often than not, but she was just quietly moving, letting me do my thing, sometimes I wouldn’t hear her for an age and then she would just be there. At the tip of the spur the sun came out and we were treated to views. I looked across the valley, to where Pole333 would be hidden behind the snow gums and the overwhelm hit me. This was my one and only true low point in the whole run. I sat on a rock looking across what seemed an impossible valley and sobbed. I was tired to my core and I knew I had to drop all the way to the base of the valley in front of me and then climb all the way back up. It was such a long way. I did the math in my head. I figured I had about 25-30km to go. I could do that. As we descended I heard Britta on the radio, letting SAR know we were heading into the valley and wouldn’t have reception, point of no return.

The descent off Diamantina still scares me, when I ran the 100km here I was actually running and slipped ending off the trail, bruised and battered. There was no speed today and I marvelled that I had run this goat track at all. The drops made my ankle scream if I wasn’t careful, but I was becoming impatient. My brain can’t really recall much from this part, except there was sunshine and I was watching for snakes in between cursing my ankle and wondering what the hell I was doing. When I finally hit the firetrail my brain switched back on, I had taken a wrong turn both previous times somewhere up ahead and I needed to concentrate. The sun was now out and I was down to a t-shirt, I had officially experienced ALL the weather in this race now. The next few hours are a blur as I made the climb back to Pole333. No wrong turns was a win. I remember crossing the river at Blairs Hut into the campground, which had a group staying in it, and sitting under a tree to organise my nutrition for the next section. I was still taking in calories which was good. I also remember stopping in a glade at some point to lie on the grass for a moment, but not to sleep. The climb took hours and all I wanted was to see the pole line to know we were getting close. Eventually it came. We passed some hikers, Britta was following close behind, and when I was asked where I had come from today I smiled and answered that “that is a very good question”. I had come from Harrietville, but before that Hotham. I kept moving, not wanting to stop or prolong this more than needed, leaving Britta to explain to them as they looked on incredulous. Me thinking yep, it’s pretty ridiculous really. 

At some point Britta warned me that the checkpoint at Pole333 had been packed up, the wind had been bad and they had moved to the next checkpoint, Pretty Valley. I was a little grumpy at the news, although it didn’t take much at this point to be fair. Back on the plains the trail was once again more of a wet bog and trying to keep my feet dry was such a joke that I just sloshed through the water, only trying to avoid the muddy sections. We reached the pole and I made sure the timing panel captured me. I pulled out my phone and messaged my support group to tell them, which in hindsight was completely redundant given the timing panel, but my brain wasn’t really high functioning. Cursing my now complete inability to run without shooting pains up to my knee, it was all about the hike, but even that was tough on the rocky path. My water was running low and when Britta’s radio crackled and we were told SAR were leaving the Pretty Valley checkpoint I panicked and asked her to check there would be water. She reassured me there would, but checked for me anyway. She was right, but we also received the response that if I could finish by 8pm so we could all have pizza that would be good. No pressure!

Seeing Pretty Valley in the distance couldn’t come fast enough, but really it was the dirt road I was looking forward to. I knew I would be able to move much faster with my ankle on that than I could on the current path of uneven rocks and pebbles. Kirsten was waiting again, as my super crew, took my pack and removed anything non-essential so I was left with basic mandatory gear and nutrition. I removed my naked belt from my hips, glad to be rid of it and gave Kirsten a hug muttering “it’s such a long way” as I burst into tears. I then left as tears rolled down my cheeks to the dirt, determined to stick around a 10min/km pace for the remainder. Maybe I could finish by 8pm as requested.

I was again frustrated by my ankle. I was hiking really well but I knew if not for my ankle, I could have jogged this section, but each time I tried the pain stopped me and in the end I gave up trying. Running was done for today. Keeping my eyes on Mt McKay, knowing that was the last climb, I watched as the sun began to slowly move toward the horizon. Britta caught me just before we turned to head up to the top and we discussed how good it would be to finish without having to pull out headlamps again – a first for Britta as the sweep. 

Looking back down the dirt road from Pretty Valley from Mt McKay (154km)

At the top of Mt McKay, after making sure I had again pinged the timing plate, I took in the views and the light, then set off back down. Just get down here, across “The Desert”, along the road, down the ski field, to the finish. It was 7pm, maybe I could finish at 8? As we moved toward the junction to cross to “The Desert” we were greeted by some lunatic yelling at cheering. It was Paul the RD and the head of SAR. After a brief chat where Paul informed me I was “the fastest, slowest runner ever” I kept moving, while Britta and the two men packed up the water point and the surrounding signage. About halfway through the trail traverse to the next road point I had to stop and take off my shoe, I was sure I had a pebble under my foot, it turned out my skin was so crinkled from being wet for 36+ hours it was causing the sensation, I’d just have to put up with it. Keeping my 10minute-ish pace I made it to the road where Paul and the SAR guy were waiting. More cheers but I refused to stop. Paul giving me updates on distance ahead was both a blessing and a curse, 3km still seemed a long way. Britta caught me and we talked about skiing and backcountry ski touring for a bit which I admit seemed hilarious to me on so many levels at that point. As I made the final turn to the finish, down the steep grassy ski slope I watched my clock, I would be a few minutes past 8 but that was ok. Here Britta left me to collect her pink flags. Figuring I would be met by Paul, Kirsten and maybe one or two volunteers I was astounded to see a decent group of people cheering me in. Slightly embarrassed but oh so happy. Finishing a few hours slower than I had hoped, but still my fastest miler and first and only woman to finish.

Finishline feels (161km)

After a quick chat to a few of the other miler finishers and Steph, who it turns out pulled out at Mt Hotham, I went and got my ‘after’ photo taken before being whisked back to the unit, hawaiian pizza on my lap and medal around my neck.

Tired but happy

I’ll admit I wasn’t sure how to take the 1st placing. I still feel a little unsure when people ask, as to what to say. 5 women started the 100mile race, 27 people in total. I was the only woman to finish, out of the 11 finishers, but also the slowest person by 90minutes. It really was a race of who can tough it out through the brutal conditions. 

Thank you Paul for putting on such an epic and rugged race

It’s interesting that, more than my placing, it’s the fact that I actually enjoyed the majority of my time out there, that I am proud of. The memories I will hold close are the running down the technical trails overtaking other runners with a smile, clinging to the chain crossing the river, making up songs about leeches and yelling “Parkour!”, laughing at my silly thoughts of zombies on Bon Accord in the full moon light, of seeing three lyrebirds. The biggest thing I take away though is the wonderful feeling of being a part of a tribe thanks to other runners, the volunteers, the race director Paul, the sweep Britta, my by-phone support group and my dear friend and solo support crew, Kirsten.

As always and forever it is about the people, the people, the people. 

Funny how a sport where you spend so much time alone can make you feel so much a part of something.

SuperCrew Kirsten and I, at the presentation

Thanks to:
IPPNZ and MT Outdoors for their continued support
My hubby and kids for their encouragement, support and understanding of me doing these crazy adventures
Kirsten, you are an amazing friend, thankyou for being my support person when I run but also for life in general
Running coach Matty, from DBA Runners, for getting me to the start line feeling prepared
Mindset coach and S&C coach, Steve from Athletic Mindset, for helping me find the joy and reduce my self sabotage
Ian, Jane and Tilly, for you support and love and for sharing the journey
Paul from Running Wild Events, I have done Alpine Challenge three times and I love the event. The support from yourself and the volunteers is next level. It is the epitome of an epic grassroots feel event. Thank you for all that you, the volunteers and SAR do for the trailrunning community.

Gear
Topo Athletic Terraventures (First 100km) and Pursuits (Last 60km)
Injinji UltraRun Mini Crew Socks
Rab Talus 3/4 tights, Sonic Tee (run shirt), Xenair Alpine Light (midlayer), Latok Alpine GTX (waterproof), 5 Panel Cap
Marmot 1/2 zip fleece (midlayer)
Macpac Geothermals L/S (baselayer)
Black Diamond Womens Distance22
Fenix HM65R-T headtorch
Ay-up Run headtorch
Leki MicroTrail Pro poles

Nutrition
Pure Electrolyte (Raspberry), Gels (Orange, Mango), Gels+caffeine (Cola, Espresso)
Maurten Hydrogels (plain)
Snickers, Mars bars, Caramello, M&M’s, Jelly Beans
LCM’s, Salted Caramel Bumper Sticks
Real Meals (Cheesy Mash, Chocolate Cake Pudding)
Vegimite Sandwich, Mini Pancakes, Cheese Cracker Chips, Salt Crisps
Aid Station Oranges, Soup, Coffee


100km in the Aussie Alps

I don’t really know when I decided to go back to Alpine Challenge. I guess after UTMB, I realised how much running the miler had helped me as a trail and ultra runner. Not just because of the distance (AC2017 was my first 100mile race) but because of the terrain and the environment. I think there was also an element of curiosity, of seeing how far I had come since running there 2 years ago.

I had decided upon the 100km option, as opposed to the 100miles. As much as I love the training and the challenge of 100miles, I wanted to see what I could do at the 100km distance, having not run that particular distance since Northburn 100km in March 2017. I also was very wary of having already run 100miles this year.

Training under my coach, Matty Abel from DBA runners, the training block began with lots of focus on speed. This meant lots of short, hard work in between my usual aerobic training runs. It was uncomfortable and really freaking hard, but I began to see real improvements in my times.
Eventually we got to the part in training that I absolutely love. Endurance.

There are so many ways that you can train for an ultra and each coach has their own method. With Matty, I was doing back to back long runs most weekends with a periodised recovery week. This being my first 100km race with Matty as my coach I questioned the lack of a big (8hr/50km) training run, having done a long run such as this for every race over 50km that I had trained for previously. Although the reasoning and science behind not doing one big long run made sense in my case, it was hard to let go of the notion that ‘more’ isn’t necessarily better or needed.
My training went really well and although towards the end I was definitely starting to feel the wear, it felt manageable for the most part. There is always a point in my training where I wonder how much more I can take and where my husband starts to mention that he thinks I am doing too much. It can be hard watching other people train for similar events, knocking out 100+km weeks one after the other when you barely hit the 100km mark once in your whole training cycle. Its than that it is good to have friends, family and a coach who give you perspective and remind you that “training” doesn’t happen in isolation of your life. I am also mum to three awesome young people, a wife and I work full-time in a physically demanding job. When non-training days result in you being on your feet for 8-10hrs straight with only a 30min break off your feet at some point and upwards of 30000 steps, there needs to be some adjustments to expectations in your training – but its not easy psychologically to make that connection.

So, training went well. For the first time I had goals of not just surviving through a long race. I wanted to beat my previous 100km personal best (22hr43min) and if possible go under the magic (to me) 20hr mark. In retrospect that sub 20hr was pretty audacious given the type of race Alpine Challenge is!

As always seems to be the case, the week before the race was anything but restful. Work stepped up a notch and I ended up working over 50hrs in a 7 day period. On the wednesday I flew from Queenstown in New Zealand to Canberra in Australia to meet my dear friend Kirsten. Kirsten had been my pacer at Alpine Challenge 100mile, part of my support crew at UTMB and was also running the 100km this year.
Thursday saw us drive to Falls Creek, the base for Alpine Challenge. We arrived to hot, windy conditions and smoke filled air. Although there were no bushfires close by, wind had carried smoke from fires further away up into the mountains.

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Kirsten resting with the smoky outlook in the background

That evening we were treated to a brief lightning and thunder storm, bringing clear air as well as reminders of the storm I had experienced on the high plains during the race 2 years ago. The weather for the weekend was, however, looking good, if not a little hot.
Friday we set about resting as much as possible in between sorting our gear and drop bags for the coming adventure. Both myself and Kirsten were doing the race unsupported, without crew and would be relying on drop bags at 2 key check points on the course.

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Organised chaos

Just as we were sitting down to lunch we each received an email from the race director. There was a major course change due to 4 fires which were now burning around the base of Mount Bogong – the second summit on the course.

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The original 100km course for Alpine Challenge

Due to the fires the loop on the top of the map above was no longer feasible for the safety of both the runners and the on course marshalls. To allow the race to continue it was decided that the loop would be left out and instead we would do what is the 2nd loop on the 100mile course, taking in Mt Hotham and Mt Feathertop. The people running the 100mile race (which runs concurrently with the 100km) would now do this loop twice. This would add an extra 20km to each race (making it 120km and 180km respectively) as well as adding extra vertical gain.
The course change alone was a bit of a shock but the extra distance and vert was a kicker!
We set about reorganising drop bags, estimating distances, vertical gain and timings between points and just generally trying to get our heads around the changes. We worked out that it would be 120km and around 5000+m of gain on the new course. It also meant the drop bag points would be different distances and therefore at different times to previous.
While Kirsten struggled with the idea of running further than she ever had before, I was dealing with my own demons. I had run the miler loop 2 years ago and I knew it was a tougher, more technical loop than the Bogong loop we were meant to run. I had also nearly lost it on Diamantina Spur last time, the very steep and technical descent off Feathertop, both physically and mentally. I was also dealing with the loss of a well planned, where the majority of the vert would have been in the first 65km of the race. Now the biggest climb would be at 90km, with a third decent sized climb to follow that. I also knew my pacing plan would be out the window given the extra 20km. So, after a small panic and a whinge to my coach, I took a deep breath and moved on. At least I could look forward to summiting Hotham in daylight this time!
Once we felt sorted we set off to register and drop off our support bags to be taken to the new drop bag points on the course. The rest of the afternoon was spent studying the course notes, eating and rechecking maps. I also ducked out to chat with friends Ana and Jas who had travelled down from the sunshine coast to run. Ana was running the 100km and Jas was running the miler after having run the weather effected event the previous year – a loop course in the snow. After a chat we all went to the packed briefing and then headed straight home to bed.

At 4:15am we arrived at the startline only to be directed to the runners lounge for a briefing outlining a new course change. As the room quickly filled, Kirsten and I moved into the hall to find a place to sit. Paul, the race director, soon announced that late last night he had devised a new course change which would drop everything back close to the original distance and vert. We would now be running out on the trail that is the finish for the 36km race. This meant that the first 30km would be very runnable and that pacing would be everything.
After a roll call at the startline we were off in the dark, up the slope and onto the trail. I ran along, trying to run within myself whilst also trying not to be held up or taking it too easily – its a fine balance. As we popped up above the dam wall the first rays of dawn began and we were treated to quite a show. Taking any moment I could to look up from the single track, I resisted the urge to stop and take photos like so many others were. The kilometers through to Langfords Gap (13km) moved quickly and I felt like things were going ok, however my legs felt heavier than I would have liked. At Langfords we had our first drop bag. To be honest, it was a bit of a waste but with the course revision there wasn’t much to be done about it. Knowing that I wouldn’t have a drop bag for another 30km I stuck to my strategy and topped up the calories as planned. From here I started to do a walk run strategy on the slow incline, trying to manage my effort and not wear myself out on what was very runnable trail.

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Leaving Langfords Gap

It was along here that I met another fellow Northburn runner as well as seeing Jas and Ana for the first time. They were powering along and soon left me behind. I reminded myself to run my own race and just keep plugging along. As soon as we hit the first descent (at approx 30km) I started to find my stride. It felt great and I started overtaking people. I was also revelling in the sights, remembering I had hit this section in the middle of the night last time.  It was on this descent I caught up to Ana and Jas, and after a quick stop to remove my fleece, we ran together chatting about the terrain, the weather and what was to come. At the river at the bottom we parted ways, I wanted to push on up the climb to Hotham while they stopped for water. I was moving well, eating and drinking on schedule and didn’t want to wait. The climb was hot and just kept going. I gave myself little incentives along the way (chocolate is a great motivator!) and tried to pull memories for spots as I kept moving. As I hit the skifield I reminded myself that this wasn’t the top and that I still had a while until I actually reached Hotham – I learnt that the hard way last time. I hadn’t seen another runner for over an hour, but I wasn’t bothered. As long as I was moving I was fine.

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Feathertop in the background from the heat of the Hotham climb

I felt a surge when I finally saw Hotham ahead. I powered up to the checkpoint. The people crewing at this point were great. It lifted my spirits and I took the time to repack and refill as well as eating and drinking extra. I knew I wouldn’t have another drop bag for 50km and wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. Just as I was readying myself to leave Jas and Ana arrived. I gifted Jas a ginger beer I didn’t want, knowing he would be coming back through Hotham on his 2nd loop later that night or the following morning.
Going up to the summit of Hotham I remembered this part with Kirsten and made sure I read every single sign for the next 5km, determined to not get lost like we had 2 years ago. Just after the summit I made a quick stop to put on sunscreen, the one thing I had forgotten to do at the checkpoint! Once I hit Bon Accord Spur I relaxed and ran down the trail. I had been barely able to walk due to sleepiness last time I was here and this time I felt like I was flying! It was a great feeling to be running down this fairly technical trail, passing other runners picking their way down. In my head I was picturing my friends Laurie and Ian running ahead of me, just as they had on runs back home. The heat of the day was starting to kick in and when I hit Washington Creek I took the time to dip my hat and buff in the water and wash myself off. The run into Harrietville was hot and the distance seemed longer than it actually was, thanks to the heat radiating off the road in the last km. The Harrietville checkpoint was pretty subdued. I saw at least two runners drop at this point. I ate some watermelon, made a call to my hubby to check in and went to the bathroom. I couldn’t see any reason to stick around so I headed back out. This was the climb I had been dreading and the heat was already getting to me before I hit the actual trail. At the trailhead I clambered down to the creek to wet my hat again then put my head down to get on with the climb. The climb to the saddle is long and at an annoying gradient. I would hike well for awhile and then get a wave of fatigue. I was still eating and drinking well but I was starting to flag. I had been on my feet for 11hrs and had run over 65km. I tried to boost my calories with both extra sugar and a sandwich (vegimite for the win!) but it barely made a dent. In the back of my mind I had whispers of what had happened at UTMB and I sorted through what I should do. I needed to pick myself up and quick. I stopped to sit on a log with some fellow runners who were also regrouping, I sifted through what I could do, what might help and settled on caffeine. I had been saving it for the evening but figured I needed it now. When I stopped at a spring on the track I refilled my water and took on some caffeine. Within 15min my energy was back but I didn’t celebrate, I put my head down and hiked to the saddle, overtaking people who had passed me over the last hour. I kept eating and drinking as planned on top of the extras – my whole mantra being ” you know it works, don’t fuck with it, just eat, stick to the plan”. I reached Feathertop and I was excited!

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Mountain views from the Feathertop ascent

I don’t actually remember summiting Feathertop in 2017, it was cloudy and cold and there was no view. This time there were mountains every way I turned and I had made it before sunset – one of my self directed goals.

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Before sunset on Feathertop Summit

As I came down off Feathertop, I stopped at the trail junction to put on a layer in preparation for the coming night and also my headlamp, figuring I may as well do everything in one stop. Here I met Melissa and helped her with which direction we were to go. On the run out to Diamantina Spur we yoyoed back and forth a bit, just passing words here and there. We hit the descent and I told myself to be brave, that if I could do Breast Hill back home I could do this. I was descending well and making up ground. Diamantina is very steep and technical. It consists on steep drops in the trail itself connected with flatter sections. The dry conditions made it like skating on leaves and loose dirt in places. The pink sunset was somewhat of a welcome distraction for the first part of the descent, but we soon dipped below the tree line and headlamps were turned on. I had started to put some distance between myself and Melissa and after a slight slip with one of my poles I was just thinking I should probably pack them away on the next ledge when both my poles and my feet slid out from underneath me. As I crashed through the brush past the trail ledge on that section I seriously thought I wasn’t going to stop until I hit the creek I could hear down below. I must have involuntarily flung my arms out and stopped myself somehow. I was basically standing with my whole body against earth (thats how steep the mountainside is) about a metre below the actual trail. I took a breath and checked myself. Melissa had heard me fall and called out asking if I was ok? I replied that I would be, if I could just get to the trail. I unhooked my poles and stashed them up against a tree, I looked below my feet and saw that my headlamp was now sitting about a metre below me. Luckily it was on and I could see it. So, I had to clamber down, all the while shaking, and retrieve it. I then decided to climb across the mountain until I hit the trail. I retrieved my poles and gingerly picked my way across. When I finally hit the trail, I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked Melissa for waiting to see I was ok. I assessed the damage. I was bruised and battered, but I chose to ignore that. My pack, however, couldn’t be ignored. The whole rights side had come away from the body, rendering the strap useless, the pack falling off as I stood up. I had had something similar happen before and knew safety pins would hold it. I had some in my pack but my hands were still shaking and I couldn’t see the point of wasting time finding them in my pack when I had some readily available on my race bib. I set to work doing my repairs all the while ignoring the scrapes that were starting to sting and the thoughts wanting to surface in my head – no point in replaying the fall, just get on with it. I stood up, repairs done and told myself to get moving. It wasn’t a thought of “I should go now” it was a firm “get moving, NOW!” that echoed in my head. I started off at a cautious jog, for some reason the song “Holding out for a hero” by Bonnie Tyler came belting out of my mouth – I don’t know where that came from! This saw me constantly yelling “I need a hero, as I run into the end of the night” (google tells me the actual lyrics are “I need a hero, I’m holding out for a hero ’til the end of the night”) as I began to pick up pace, quickly punctuated by “Fuck!” as I slipped and slowed again. This was repeated all the way down until we hit the fire road.
Melissa was now just ahead of me and was at the bottom checking and rechecking her maps. I stopped to check my maps as well and we confirmed the direction. She left as I filled a water bottle, I remembered the next climb being longer than you expect and I didn’t want to get stuck without electrolyte, despite the dropping temperatures. The next few kms were slow. It was now pitch dark and we were trying to navigate a part of the course that I really couldn’t remember that well thanks to miler fog. Melissa and I collaborated on most junctions – we were both still running at our own pace, but if either of us was unsure we would wait to just double check. We both missed a turn and after some creative rerouting managed to get back on course after wasting some 10min trying to find the original turn.

We began climbing back up to Pole333 and the cold was starting to seep in. Melissa went ahead as I made the decision to put on my waterproof as extra warmth. I had a fleece in my pack but didn’t feel I needed it yet, plus my waterproof was easier to access on the side of the trail. We climbed and I kept moving well, telling myself to run wherever the trail flattened out, rejoicing as we got above the tree line. I could see Melissa’s light ahead but was still careful to navigate for myself as I knew we were all getting tired. I had no sense of time, I was just doing the thing. Hitting the top I knew at Pole333 I would need to put on my fleece to stay comfortable. I also started thinking about what I needed to do at my 90km drop bag at Pretty Valley. As I came into the Pole333 check point I shouted a hello to the volunteers there, telling them how happy I was to be there. They commented that I was the most cheery runner they had seen in hours and I was buoyed by that – my aim had been to smile and really enjoy the race and on reflection I was! One of the volunteers helped me remove my waterproof to put on my fleece underneath, while the other told me to look for his car parked at the end of the single track and to turn right there. Melissa had barely stopped and was nowhere in sight. Taking a piece of chocolate for the journey, I headed out. Trying to not check my watch for kilometres or time proved difficult along here. I wanted to get to Pretty Valley (PVP) quickly, I was planning to lighten my pack significantly, ditching all my extra food and things (sunhat, sunscreen etc) and I was really looking forward to it.
The last rolling descent into PVP became slower than expected thanks to thick fog rolling in, I switched my headlamp to the lowest setting making it slightly easier to see, but my vision was still only limited to a few metres. I had been told that PVP was unmanned, so I was pleasantly surprised to see some people there, they were crew for another runner but they helped me open my can of fizzy water (so. damn. good!) and stow my stuff. Melissa had just left as I had come in, while I wasn’t really trying to beat her, it helped to have someone to chase. Now feeling lighter and knowing it was 10km to the finish I set off, thanking the vollies for their help.

Still keeping my “stick to the plan” mantra going I ate and drank on repeat, allowing myself a little more sugar than before and taking in some more caffeine. I had barely strolled this last section in the miler. It had taken so many hours to climb to Mt McKay and then walk to the finish last time. I was excited that I was jogging, uphill no less! It was more of a run/walk interval but I was still happy and it wasn’t hurting nearly as much as I had anticipated! I climbed up to Mt McKay, no views to be had but I smiled thinking of the sunset photo Kirsten and I had taken there when she had paced me. I wondered how she was going, hoping she was moving through the dark well.

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Views from Mt McKay the day before on a course recce

I quickly turned to run down, knowing Melissa was just ahead of me, having seen her descending just before the summit. When I hit the road below Melissa was there, I showed her where the trail was and set off, she soon caught me as my energy was lagging but I was determined to keep jogging. Across “The Desert” I followed, her bobbing light pulling me along and reminding me to run although I was tired. We hit the ski road and the dust was awful, but I was almost done! My feet were beginning to get sore, it was the first 100km+ race where I hadn’t changed shoes or socks at all and my feet were still in good condition but the rocks on the dirt road hurt, so I ran on the verge where there were softer tracks. When I saw the turn down onto the ski slope to home I told myself to keep it together and RUN! The grass was dewy and wet and the little mounds from the water races and I don’t know what else were tediously annoying but I was smiling – I was still running at 98kms!!! I ran down into the finish – so happy!! I was greeted by the time keeper, the only person there to see me finish and given my medal. It was kind of funny and kind of perfect. This was and is my proudest finish in a race. There was no spectacle, no fanfare, no hugs. Just the smile on my face and a sense of “yes, I did it. I did what I set out to do and I did it all by myself. No pacer, no crew, just me.”
I wandered into the runners lounge. Melissa congratulated me and asked how I was after my fall on Diamantina. We had not spoken of it since it happened but I looked down and saw in the light the blood, dust and bruises on my legs – yep, it had been a decent fall! Apparently I wasn’t the first to come in in such a state either.

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The arm that broke the fall

I grabbed a milo and walked back to our accommodation. I wanted to celebrate but I needed to get some sleep. I sent my hubby and my parents a message to say I was finished and happy, had some vegimite before jumping in the shower and heading to bed. I left my phone on beside me, in anticipation of Kirsten calling me as she neared the finish.

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Post race celebratory pic – tired!

I woke to a call from my parents. I was thinking Kirsten should be almost finished. I can’t remember if Kirsten called me or sent me a message while I was talking, but I quickly said goodbye to mum and rang her back. She was on top of Mt McKay, eating snickers, enjoying the sunrise – YAY!!

Watching her finish was the icing on the cake. Kirsten had been my pacer at AC – the first time we met and had gone on to be a big part of my UTMB adventure. It was wonderful to share a part of her journey as a runner for once and I am so damn proud of her because I know how hard AC is as a race.

The stats:

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Revised course map

You can see my strava file here.

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Revised course elevation profile

Gear:
Shoes – TopoAthletic Runventure2
Socks – Injinji TRAIL 2.0
Pack – Ultimate Direction AdventureVest
Watch – Suunto Ambit3 Peak
Nutrition  – Pure Sports Nutrition Electrolyte (Raspberry and Pineapple)
Spring Energy Gels (Long Haul, Canaberry, Speednut, McRaecovery,
Electroride)
Clif Energy Bars
Bundaberg Ginger Beer
– Vegimite Sandwiches, Various Chocolates, Watermelon, Apple, Salt Potato
Chips, Twistees, Lolly Snakes

So, as I write this, it is a month later. I have taken a real break from running, for the first time in what seems like years. It has been nice to sit back and actually celebrate a race. I haven’t had any what if or if only moments. Yes, there are things I could have done and will do in the future to improve my future races but there is no disappointment in this race. It has also made me appreciate the experiences at UTMB last year and Northburn this year. There were some hard (very hard) lessons in those two races and a lot of disappointment, but because of those lessons AC was actually a joy to run. It wasn’t a slog (except for when it was 😉 ) I didn’t just survive it, I ran it, with a smile on my face for 90% of the run! It was a win for me and it makes me unbelievably excited about the coming year and the big Italian adventure that is to come!

Next: Lavaredo Ultratrail 120km

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“Where suffering is the prize and everyone is a winner” – Northburn 100 mile

Today I sat down at the computer to do my normal race report. I tend to do blow by blow reports, but 100 miles at my pace is a bloody long time (41hrs and change this time around), a lot happens but there is also a lot of monotony and I don’t think “and then I ate a gel, sipped my TrailBrew, stared up at the mountain I was trying to (still) climb and thought fuck!” over and over will be all that interesting.

So, this is going to be more like moments here and there taken from the race. Things that stand out from the day, hopefully in some sort of chronological order. This isn’t everything that happened and no doubt I will recall things wrong or differently to those around me – sleep deprivation does that.

So, Northburn 100miler is held on a sheep and cattle station in Central Otago on the south island of New Zealand. It holds the reputation of being one of the toughest milers in the southern hemisphere and a look at the elevation profile you begin to see why.
Screen Shot 2019-03-28 at 3.06.56 pm.pngBasically you are either climbing or descending. There really isn’t much that you can call flat.

Having run the 100k version before (Northburn 100k) I had some idea of what I was in for. Incidentally, doing Northburn was a catalyst for me now living some 45min down the road from where the race is – but thats another story for another time.

So, I was prepared to suffer and I was determined to finish. Having DNF’d (not finished) at UTMB some 6 months prior, I needed to prove to myself that my finish at Alpine Challenge had not been blind luck. There was also a bit of wanting to prove myself to my new coach, Matty Abel from DBA runners.

I was once again blessed to have people raise their hands to help me out on my adventure. Two dear friends from Brisbane made the trip across the ditch to support me. Marianna (Maz) had crewed me when I ran the 100k at Northburn and also at Alpine Challenge Miler, whilst Tallula (Tui) was crewing me for the first time – although she had supported me through the homebirth of my youngest child, so had seen me hurt before. Also along for the ride was a local friend, Andy, who would be pacing me for the last 60km. Andy had run the Northburn miler twice before so knew the course well.

We had made the decision to camp at Northburn to make things easier for crew rest through the weekend and to maximise possible sleep beforehand. Being at the start and hanging out with my crew and fellow runners actually made me feel more relaxed. Thats not to say there weren’t nerves. As Tui worked on my race braids (that’s totally a thing by the way) the fears and tears bubbled up under Maz’s understanding prodding. I couldn’t not finish again..

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Tui working her magic whilst being heckled by the man in the van in the background 😉

I was probably the most relaxed I’ve ever been at a startline. After giving Barry, a fellow former Judd Adventures athlete, a hug, I wandered the through the crowd saying hello to new friends and old. Settling at my spot on the startline, I stood with Kim, who I had met on a 60km recce run at Northburn some 6 weeks later. It was much warmer this year. The past two years (one racing and one volunteering) I have stood at the startline in thermals and gloves, bouncing to keep warm. Today I was comfortable in a t-shirt and tights. Terry had warned us that it was going to be a hot edition this year and he wasn’t wrong.

Kim and I ran together for most of the first climb, keeping things very relaxed, chatting as much as possible. About halfway up the notorious “fenceline” I offered to take a pic for fellow miler Mgcini, who in turn took a photo of the two of us. Mgcini and I would see continue to see each other out on the course throughout the race.

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Kim and I on the dip in the fence line climb

Once we got to my favourite section – the alpine streams – I began to lose Kim, her knee was making it hard for her on the untracked uneven ground so I kept moving at my pace and she at hers, we would see each other again the following day at TW.

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The sun bringing its heat

The run back down was hot. As we descended the heat increased. I felt great but was intentionally taking it easy, not wanting to cook myself in the first 50km. I started chatting to people around me, the descent is really long (about 15km with no real breaks) and can get monotonous, so talking helped pass the time and keep my speed in check. Every stream I would pull off to dip my hat and buff in the water, knowing I did not want to deal with heat stroke – been there, done that before.

As we began the turn back towards the start/finish on the “loop of deception” the heat was stifling. I caught up the Mgcini who was struggling through a low. We openly chatted about how the lows come and go, reminding each other to eat and keep moving.

I looked at my watch as I came up the last rise before the 50km crew point. I was disappointed to see that I wasn’t that much faster than my time 2 years previously. The disappointment was quickly forgotten as I realised the boy hanging off the orange gate was my son Quinn, waiting to run me into the aid station – one of my biggest highlights of the race.

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Quinn running me into the first crew point

This crew stop was awesome – mostly because it was fun! Yes, fun. Quinny sat to my left constantly prompting me to drink the ginger beer he held, Maz tried to keep things moving as I just wanted to chatter to everyone and anyone, Tui quietly worked away in the background refilling and finding things, while Sim looked concerned but tried to smile. We took a wander to the loo and decided on the way back that it was cooler outside the tent, so the Bailey support circus moved outside. Picture me facing the tent, tights hiked above butt cheeks whilst Maz rubbed my hamstrings and people shoved noodles and ginger beer in my face. At this point Terry, the RD, walked past and asked if that was baby oil to make sure my thighs tanned. Its a glamour sport! But seriously, the whole stop had me smiling for at least half of the next climb, both for the hilarity and the love I felt from it.

The next climb (known affectionately as “the death climb – round 1”) was where the head games began.

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Checking in with the OpMoveSisterhood as the head games begin

Having done the first 100km before, I was constantly comparing where I thought I was last time and how I felt. As I came within sight of Leaning Rock, I knew my timing was similar, which was disappointing.

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Sunset Day 1

Last time I had turned my headlight on, on the climb to the rock, this time it was at the rock. Less than 30min ahead of my 2017 time. As night fell and landmarks disappeared for comparison, I knuckled down to “just keep moving’. My stop at TW was quick and the vegie soup delicious.

The night is mostly a blur of a magnificent moon rise, searching for markers in the dark, watching headlamps dance above and below and relentless ups and downs. A bright moment was crossing paths with the birthday girl, Eemon, not once but twice. I tried to keep up with her as we ran down to Brewery Creek but my shins were not my friends at this point and tiredness was taking its toll.
As I ran the pump track, or more realistically, hiked, I was near to tears. Time was ticking away, I was well behind my predicted time and I couldn’t run without pain from my shins slowing me. Even hiking downhill was painful. As I came into camp, Eemon was coming out, we wished each other well and I felt tears well up, she looked so strong, the opposite of how I felt. As I crossed the line into camp Terry told me I was doing awesome, at which point I burst into tears, shaking my head and I told him my legs were fucked and I didn’t think I would make the final cut off. He replied that I had plenty of time, that I could go sleep for an hour and I would be fine. At this point Maz whisked me into the tent and went into damage control. I was adamant I needed a nap, I knew tiredness was making everything worse but my shins were also stressing me majorly, mostly because I’d never had pain there before. After bundling up to make sure I didn’t get cold and a quick hug from my pacer, Andy, I lay down to nap. I sobbed that things were falling apart again but told everyone who would listen that I wasn’t giving up. I’m not sure if I was trying to convince them or me.
Maz tells me that I did sleep, I don’t really know. Tui did some Bowen therapy on my legs and after some porridge and coffee, we made ready to leave. Andy was jumping around like an energiser bunny and I quickly told him that we were hiking and that that was all I could manage. Poor Andy – he was in for a rough day!

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Andy = excited, Me = tired

We shuffled and hiked our way to the first climb, treated to a spectacular sunrise.

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Second sunrise – captured by Andy, I wasn’t allowed to stop 😉

Somewhat buoyed the first climb to TW really didn’t seem that bad. It was slow and never more than a hike but we chatted and moved and slowly clicked the kilometres off. After enjoying the magical vegie soup of TW and then heading off, we descended down to redo part of “the death climb”. The thing with Northburn is that each section it not only gets harder but also more sadistic. Yes, you’ve just been to the top aid station so now you are going to descend sharply and then climb back up. It is very much a mind game, especially when you did this climb 50km ago and it was hard then. Halfway back to TW I started to slip mentally. The familiar feeling of just wanting to lay down and sleep that I had at UTMB began to creep in. I was struggling to concentrate and struggling to not burst into tears from sheer exhaustion. Andy was doing an amazing job of keeping me distracted and present by pointing out terrain or insects and just keeping me engaged in conversation. I was losing my resolve and wondering why the fuck I was doing this, again.

I began reminding myself of how far on the course I had come and what was left. It was helpful having Andy as I was able to talk through what was to come, how many climbs, what sections and mentally prepare myself. Mind you, a few times he would go to point out that once we get up there *points way up the ridge* and I would tell him to shut up, I don’t want to know. It was as we began discussing the water race (a notoriously technical part of the run occurring at 130km into the race) that we hatched a plan to ring Terry in the depths of that section, just so I could swear at him, it kept me amused for a bit.

We never did ring Terry. As hard and awful as the water race was, it was here that I realised I wasn’t angry or annoyed at Terry (or Ed or anyone else involved in the race) I was actually glad it was hard, really fucking hard. I wanted hard, I crave it. I’m not great at these long races, that’s obvious, but I want to test myself. I want to go to the edge, to be on the brink of failing (and sometimes I do fall short) and then push through. I have slowly come to this realisation over the past week. That this is why I love the mountains and these long mountain races so much. Its also why I am forever thankful to Terry for creating this event, where the terrain gets harder as the distance passes.

So, we made it through the water race and the promised bad weather began to move in. The wind came up and we felt a few spots of rain. We made it to TW for the last time, for one last cup of magic soup, and I knew I would finish. I was able to shuffle jog downhill now but it was still slow. What took an hour a few months ago on our recce run now took many hours. It was so excruciatingly slow.

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Following Andy into the sunset

I was boosted by messages from my coach, my son and my crew as I made the decision to turn my phone on when we left TW.
Unfortunately I was stopping every hour on the descents to pee – a sign of good hydration but also a bladder that has been through three pregnancies and births. As the sun set I hit another low as I missed yet another time goal. My only hope was that I would now finish before midnight on sunday. The trudge up over the bicycle wheel track seemed to go forever. Both Andy and I were hurting now and cursing Terry and his course marking but once we reached the top my mood began to lighten. As we came up the last rise, along the dusty road among the vines, Terry, who had been checking on another competitor, rode past on a buggy shouting that I was doing it, I was finishing, I smiled but was grumpy that I was hiking not running. We got within earshot of the camp and Andy commented that it was great that there was still music playing. As we got closer I smiled and then laughed out loud. I could hear Raspberry Beret – my favourite Prince song – blaring through the speakers and I knew my crew were the culprits. Gotta love them, and I do, I love them hard.

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Finished

Andy convinced me I could run to the finish and somehow I did. I was so relieved. Relieved I had made it. Relieved that I had proven that my ability to finish a miler hadn’t been a fluke.
I enjoyed the hugs, the congratulations and the food, glad it was done.

I love my buckle, presented at the ceremony the following day. I love that it has real weight to it when you hold it.

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I am so proud of finishing Northburn. As always I learned so much. More about myself this time than about running a miler (although there was a lot of that too). And while I am very proud to have finished there is always that yearning to be better and do better. I missed my mark as far as time and strength, so I have more to strive for.

There is a reason that Northburn has so many repeat offenders. I don’t think you truly understand why, until you run it yourself….

Time on feet – 41hrs 15min
Ascent – 10 000m
Descent – 10 000m
Food – Spring Energy Gels, Clif Bars, Salt Chips, Vegimite Sandwiches, Various Chocolate varieties, apple, banana, porridge, 2min noodles, magic vegetable soup
Hydration – water, TrailBrew, Spring Energy electroride
Shoes – Topo Runventure and MT-2
Socks – Injinji
Pack – UD UltraVesta
Poles – Leki MicroTrailPro
Lights – Ay-up

Going All In

You know how you pick a race, you say in your head that you are going to do everything you can to be your best/do your best, but things slide or sometimes you don’t even start with the “extras”? That’s me. Before UTMB I was determined to do everything I could. To be fair, I hit the mark with all my running training, I was extremely diligent about rolling and stretching every night and I improved both my running nutrition and daily nutrition.

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Rolling, rolling, rolling

But there is so much more I could have done. So why didn’t I? Well, some of it was because I didn’t know, I am still learning. Some of it was because it was easy to let slide, like my strength work, to make excuses “I’m too tired”, “I don’t have time”, “I deserve some downtime, treats etc”. Mostly though, it was fear.

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Doing the hard yards with running – but what else was missing?

Fear? I hear you say – wouldn’t fear make you want to do absolutely everything possible in preparation for the biggest race of your life.
Well, yes but also no.

You see, in my mind, I always have potential to improve. There is always something else that I know I could have done to make a race better. That’s easy to see with hindsight of course, because each race you learn something new, but there are also things that I could stand on the start line and tell you I should have done. My excuses to save my ego.

Because what if I did everything within my power/knowledge to get to that start line and I didn’t achieve what I set out to do? Then I fear that the voice in my head, that tells me I’m not good enough, not fast enough, not strong enough would be right and that the voice in my head that says I can and I am enough would be wrong, and thats a terrifying prospect.

However, if my experience at UTMB has taught me anything (and it taught me a lot!) its that not achieving what you set out to do is not necessarily a complete failure. Yes, I failed to finish, but the experience was still worthwhile, amazing and hard. The learning over those 24hrs of racing were hard won. There were victories within the ‘failure’.

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The race I’m still learning from..

So, as I looked toward my next ‘A’ race, I vowed to do everything, to put it all on the line. I started with writing it all down. I wrote down the big scary goal, followed by everything I would do, that was within my power to do, to get there. All the nitty gritty things, the tiny steps which seem to be nothing in isolation but together they are everything.

Then I did what is probably the scariest thing of all. I told my husband, some key friends and my coach about how serious I am. About the things I am committing to doing this time round. I am also writing everything I do on a daily basis to work towards my goal in my Training Peaks account for my coach to see. Every step, every stretch, every sit up – spare a thought for my poor coach! This is to keep me accountable, because although they may never see me doing each little step, it helps that someone expects you to be doing them. It is also because if I set the intention and the pattern of having it written for someone to see that I started, maybe I won’t let it slide, like I have in the past. It is terrifying though, because if it all falls apart I have nothing to hide behind, no excuses.

So now, I knuckle down, I stick to the plan, I do all the little things and then I see how this particular adventure ends. I continually ask my self “how bad do I want this?” and “would I rather try and see what I may be capable of, or spend the nights wondering what if?” I am terrified. Terrified to my core. I know that regardless of what happens there will always be more to learn, more improvements to be gained, but the idea of finding out what you are truly capable of is a very scary and very, very exciting thing.

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Let’s go all in and see…

The Shift

I have always wanted to be “more”. Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be the best at whatever I chose to do. Its an ongoing theme in my life. I always feel like there is this inherent darkness inside myself that I am trying to overpower or that I need to prove to myself that I am good enough, worthy enough, loveable enough, fast enough, insert what ever action I feel inadequate about on the day. It is a constant in my life.

Since falling in love with trail running, I have always struggled with feeling a sense of belonging in the trail and ultra community. This has been obvious to people close to me. The friends who I am reluctant to run with because I’m not “good” enough or “fast’ enough. My coach, who is constantly reminding me that I have a place in this community and that I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. The constant need to post on social media, to gain approval for the things I have done. Its funny, because if you put me on a trail in the mountains on my own, I rarely feel more at home, more at peace, more like I am where I should be. That sense of belonging in the mountains is a feeling that has increased more and more over the past months. Yet, I still question my place in the community.

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That big blue arch in Chamonix

Part of the reason I wanted to run UTMB (other than the fact that those mountains are just SO fucking awesome!) was because I wanted to win and by win I mean take my place in the ultra community, to prove that I belonged. I wanted to be “that woman”, the one who took on one of the ultimate mountain races and finished. So, when I fell short of my goal, when I finished my race at 100km instead of 172, you would expect that I just proved to myself that all those negative beliefs that I have, that I don’t really belong, would ring true. For a little while they did. There was a sense of knowing that this was always going to happen, what was I thinking? How could I have thought, even for a moment that finishing was possible? I don’t belong here.

Luckily the story doesn’t end there. As well as my wonderful friends and coach who bolstered me up after this experience, there were a few, seemingly small, things that happened that changed my perspective.

During UTMB you are unlikely to go down the street without at least seeing one of the rockstars of the trail community. I was lucky enough to meet a number of my running idols during the time before and after the race. It was encounters with one previous podium finisher, whilst waiting in line to register and with two amazing runners after the race, that made me see that maybe I am ok as I am and that I do have a place in this community.

Standing in line to register is a nerve wracking experience. For someone who is unsure they belong there is always that worry that you are going to turn up at the desk and they are going to say “Sorry, there’s been some mistake”. When I spotted the famous runner ahead of me, it was a case of “just breath”. My crew encouraged me to go say hi and get a pic and seeing as it was a once in a lifetime chance, I stepped up. After a photo, we chatted about our respective races. He looked at me when I answered I was running UTMB and instead of being incredulous the question was “Have you run it before?”. It seems innocuous enough and probably had very little thought behind it, but the fact that I could even “look” like someone who might have run that race before kind of shocked me.

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Super nice guy in the rego line

The two separate encounters with the two runners who had not finished for different reasons, were also surprising. As I stood talking to each of them about their race, I was struck by a few things. The first was that they felt the same things I did. There was a profound disappointment and sadness. A questioning of why and what if? They also both seemed to have a need to debrief, to go over what had happened, how they had done their best but it hadn’t worked out for them on the day, all things that I also went through and felt. They wanted to share their experience with someone who had also been there. The second thing that actually surprised me and made me realise that other people don’t see what I see about myself was when both of them then asked me how my race ended, what happened, would I be back? Those moments of commiseration, where they put me on their level. I was just a peer, another runner who had also shared their experience. I was a part of their community.

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Post race discussion with this guy

It probably seems silly that it took these encounters to start to feel a true sense of belonging but these were, in hindsight, a culmination of something that had been building over the months leading up to the race. Where I had slowly started to let people in and take the risk of running with others, where I started seeking out others who had run the race and asked questions and where I had begun to allow people in, to encourage and bolster me without dismissing anything they said about me that was positive.

Another thing that happened was a few days after the race, when most of the runners had left the Chamonix Valley. I got up in the dark, just as I had so many times during in training, and went to climb a mountain on my own. In the dark, on the single windy trail that climbed up from the valley opposite Mt Blanc, I found a sense of utter belonging. I knew, really knew, deep within my being that this was my place. Where I wanted to be but also where I belonged. As the sun poked above the mountains my heart was full to bursting. As I ran back down I came across an older gentlemen, looking to be in his late 60’s at least, his poles clicking along the trail and he purposefully moved up the steep trail to La Flegere. He paused when he saw me and smiled and yelled “Allez! Allez!” as I ran past. I grinned “Merci beau coop, monsieur!”. Inside thinking, I want to be just like you when I grow up.

I know the moments of wavering will still come, I know the doubts will come and go about whether I belong. I also know I will forever hold a little sadness over the time I ran UTMB and did not finish. On the flip side though, I am glad I went, I tried, I learned and I feel I finally found my place.

I may never be the woman in first, second, fifth or tenth place but I have truly found where I belong and I intend to keep showing up, for a long time to come.

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On the trail in Chamonix

UTMB race report

I could start talking about all the training and sacrifices yada, yada, yada – but if you’re reading this you’ve probably heard all about it, so let’s get straight into race day.

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Race check in – not nervous at all

After arriving in Europe just 11 days before, I woke at 4:30am on race day. My body clock was still slightly out of whack, but much better than it had been the first few days after the change of time zones. If it had been the usual early morning start to the race, as we are accustomed to in the southern hemisphere, this would have been perfect, for a 6pm start it was not so great.
Most of the morning involved last minute race prep, scattered with distraction by watching carpool karaoke on YouTube, phone calls to family and the attempted at a nap. We also had a video call with the third member of my support crew, Marianna, who couldn’t be there in person to help Kirsten and Rebecca as originally planned.

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Ready to fight

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Reminders for when I forget

Around lunch time I was notified that the race organisers had called the cold weather mandatory gear, due to bad weather coming into the mountains. I wasn’t too phased by this as it was mostly stuff I carry when I’m in the mountains anyway, although I did revise my race outfit as a result.

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Trying to calm the butterflies

Around 5pm we set off in the drizzle to the race start, runners had to be at the start line by 5:30pm. The streets were packed with supporters and runners alike. My two wonderful support crew came with me as I made my way around the back of the start line, trying to find a spot in the middle half of the pack. I was under strict instructions from my coach not to stand at the back of the start, as is my usual tactic. I was going to be under a lot of pressure to meet the first few cutoffs and I didn’t need the added pressure of  being held up by other runners.
As we stood there, dealing with a last minute drama with my phone that saw me have a minor panic attack but was quickly dealt with by my crew, a fellow Aussie came up and introduced himself. We knew each other through social media and mutual friends, but had never actually met and it was rather astounding that we had ended up standing next to each other at such a packed start line. As my crew said their goodbyes and left, Dylan manouvered himself over to me (we were packed in like sardines) and talked me through what craziness would occur at the actual start, having run UTMB already the year before. We stood and soaked up the moment. If there is one thing the French know how to do, it is build the drama and atmosphere!

After the playing of the traditional UTMB song (I may have got something caught in my eye) there was a physical push and bunching up of the runners and then we were off! The start was frenetic and frantic to say the least, as 2000+ runners funnel through the start chute and onto the course. The streets of Chamonix are lined with supporters, 6 deep in places, all the way along to the first part of trail.

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Race start from my crew’s perspective

My race plan was to go as hard as I could sustain for the first 50km and then see how I go from there. This was very uncomfortable, mentally and physically, because usually when you start such a long race, you start quite slow and try and keep that pace the whole way through. For me though, I needed to start hard as the cutoffs for the first few stations were a major concern. So, I ran, I tried to keep pace with those around me. As we ran through the streets of Chamonix it was start-stop as runners bottle necked in narrower sections, but I was grateful for this as it allowed me to get my breath under control.  The cheering crowds were amazing, I have never and probably will never again experience such an exciting start. As the streets began to widen, I heard my name and for a split second saw my crew, but the pace was too quick for more than a glance. We soon hit the trail and I was glad of it, I felt myself relax and told myself to just keep pushing. To be honest, this race report is one of the hardest I’ve ever had to write because I was so focussed on moving quickly that it is all very much a blur. I don’t really remember much about the trail between Chamonix and Les Houches, except that it was muddy and very runnable. We soon popped out onto an over pass and this was the first chance I had to walk as we traversed uphill into the town. With the slower pace, people were able to read our bibs and as I passed I would get an “Allez, Allez Jo!” or “Go Australie!” and I would smile in thanks. As we went through the checkpoint in Les Houches, I didn’t stop. At 8km in I had no need and I knew time was crucial. Here we began our first climb, starting on road, which soon turned to a path winding its way up the hill under ski gondola lines. Locals were still out cheering, some with bowls of lollies and sandwiches, others with jugs of water for runners – I’ve never seen anything like it.

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Somewhere between Les Houches and St Gervais

It was beginning to rain and about 3/4 from the top it began to get dark enough to pull out my headlamp. I stopped briefly then kept moving, my poles now also out, knowing I had a long night ahead.

The rain had made the dirt track quite slick and as we began to descend it was hard to find decent footing. I knew I needed to move quickly but was playing a balancing game of moving quickly enough but not wanting to risk an injury that would end my race. In the process I fell twice, the first was not too bad although it resulted in a nice thick coating of mud over my left leg, the second saw me elegantly twist 180 degrees and hit the ground with a resounding “FUCK!” but I was fine, straight back up and off again. We wound through the back streets of Saint Gervais and popped out into a slick and brightly lit square. I walked through and got my reusable cup filled with water and said “Merci” to the volunteer but kept moving, I would see my crew at the next stop.

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The profile between St Gervais and Les Contamines looks like a couple of little bumps compared to the bigger climbs to come, however those short sharp climbs, in the dark on slick ground were a little wearing. I had purposely not taken notice of actual cut off times and was moving as quickly as possible. The fact that I still had plenty of people around me was heartening. We passed through farmland here and at one point we had pigs on our left and some awesome looking pumpkins and brassicas on our right, you could hear the people behind you call out in astonishment as their headlamps lit them up. After a few ups and downs, where I made sure to run everything that was either flattish or downhill, we popped out into the town, the shining pavement worrying me more than the muddy trail. Locals were still standing outside their houses to give us encouragement, which was happily received. We could hear the check point well before we saw it, the path seemed to wind past the sound and then back again. As we turned uphill I realized we were very close as the people grew in numbers and next I saw Becca, standing at the top of the pathway waiting for me. After a quick hug she told me to get inside to Kirsten who was waiting for me.

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As part of UTMB you are only allowed one support crew member in the support tent, each runner is given a support crew ticket corresponding to each support point and the crew member is only allowed in 10 minutes before their runner is expected to arrive. No ticket – no entry. Inside the aid station tent it was full on. There were wall to wall people, I was unsure of how exactly I was meant to find Kirsten when I heard her calling my name and then saw her waving and jumping up and down. She quickly set to work, going through our practiced routine and checklist. The only thing we hadn’t counted on was that support crew don’t have access to water, so I had to go and fill my hydration bladder in the next tent. Seemingly as soon as I had arrived it was time to go. I tried to put on a brave face and so did Kirsten, as she sent me back out. We had kept our stop to 10min, I didn’t know it at the time but I had gotten out with only 12 minutes to spare. Becca met me as soon as I hit the barricade and walked with me, I was putting on my gloves as I walked and almost passed her one of my poles but then remembered outside the tent assistance wasn’t allowed. As we walked Becca told me our list of predetermined info that I would want – I had 8km to the next aid station, it was going to be very cold on top of the coming climb with below zero temps and winds and she would see me around lunch time at Courmayer. Feeling myself wanting to stay I told her to head back and tried to run. Winding again through the streets and reserves of Les Contamines, I was pleased to find I could run quite well and tried to force myself to run as much as possible, before the real climbing started. I had now been running in the dark for over 4hrs, I came up behind a fellow Aussie (every runner has two race bibs, one to wear on the front and one to wear on you pack – with your name and country on them) and said hi, then kept running along the road, trying to make the most of it.

After a good 4km of mostly runnable stuff we started to sharply climb. I had a guy from Portugal come up behind me and comment on me being an Aussie woman and that I had travelled so far to be here. We started chatting about where we were from, who we were here with (he had three friends doing UTMB and they were running together) and where we ran while training. We would leap frog each other for most of the climb to Col du Bonhomme, exchanging words each time we saw each other.
As we hit a more runnable section I began running and a woman I passed decided to keep pace with me, I picked a fence post in the distance, that seemed to be where it began to climb again, and decided I would run to there. As the woman, who was from Canada, dropped off before we got there I called out and told her to keep going, just a bit further, we could run to the climb. So, she did. She thanked me and we kept pace with each other, talking when we could. Chatting made the climb easier and before I knew it we were at La Balme. As my fellow runners pulled into the aid station I decided to keep moving, I had no need to go into the aid station and wanted to keep moving while I felt good. My coach, Matt, and I had worked on a strategy to talk to someone in each aid station, to get me out of my own head if I was stuck in a bad place, so as I passed through the timing point I thanked the volunteers for being there.
From La Balme the climb up to Col du Bonhomme was steep and rugged. I don’t really remember much detail about it except that it was raining, sometimes windy, sometimes foggy. There were sections of the trail that required us to boulder and climb, reminding me of Breast Hill back home, in New Zealand. There were big slabs of icy snow that we passed around and over and streams with slippery footings to be negotiated. I would look up and see head lamps through the mist ahead and think we must almost be at the top, only to find it was a false summit. Climbing still felt good, I wasn’t feeling sore in the legs and was eating and drinking really well but the continual darkness and waiting in line over the more technical sections was wearing thin at times.

As we passed through a timing point I took note of the elevation sign which also told us the cutoff for the next checkpoint. This cutoff was not in race time (that is, not in the hours and minutes we had been running) but in chronological time. Realising I had no idea how I was doing and whether I would make the cutoffs, I changed my watch over to chronological time which gave me something to shoot for. Soon after, the descent into Les Chapieux began and it was great! I had fun running down the mountain, picking my path and passing whenever I could, I also knew I was a bit ahead of the cutoff and making up some time so that buoyed me. As I came into the station and passed through the timing point I stopped. I hadn’t beeped – usually as you go through a point it beeps to say you registered. I yelled out to the guy monitoring the screen “Hey, I didn’t beep!” he looked up and laughed and told me I registered and to keep going. Laughing I made my way into the aid station. I had made it to the 50km checkpoint and I was ahead of the cutoff, I had been unsure I would make it this far, so that was a big relief.

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Chatting to the volunteers at Les Chapieux

This is where I started to see carnage. We had been running for a little over 10hrs now, mostly in the dark. I grabbed a cup of water and walked through the tent. It was packed with people sitting staring or sleeping with their head in their hands. I stopped and leaned my poles up against the table so I could get out my rubbish and readjust some nutrition, then quickly moved to get out of there before getting too comfortable. I lined up to use the toilet and noticed the woman in front of me trying to eat a sandwich but shaking uncontrollably. I rubbed her arm and asked if she was ok? Did she need a hug or something to get warm. She thanked me and showed me she had a flask full of hot tea up against her chest and she was sure she would warm up soon. As soon as I used the toilet I headed out. I got about 300m down the road when I decided to stop and empty out my shoes, I hadn’t realized how full of dirt and stones they were. That done I started run/walking up the road and soon we ducked off onto a trail. I don’t remember much about the next few hours except it was dark and we were constantly climbing, I remember taking a caffeinated gel around 5am and reminding myself that the sun would be coming up soon, the tiredness was starting to creep in. As we reached the summit of Col de la Seigne it was beginning to lighten, I could make out the mountains and more of the path than just what my headlamp showed. It also began to snow. Big fat flakes started drifting down from the sky and as I wandered on I was struck by how magical it was, to be here, in Italy now, on top of a mountain, watching a sunrise while snowflakes fell around me. I was also glad the sun was coming as I hoped the tiredness I was feeling in my head would begin to lift.

After the race I would be told we went through some really tough weather and temperatures. I do remember it raining quite a lot and it was definitely very cold, particularly right before dawn, but other than getting very cold fingers, I was thankfully kept warm and dry and don’t really remember it being particularly trying. I think because I had so many bad weather runs in the lead up and I was so used to constantly monitoring and adjusting my gear, it just wasn’t a factor.

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Sunrise coming down off Col de la Seigne

As the sun rose the views were just amazing and despite having promised myself I wouldn’t take any photos except for the sunrise on the second morning, I paused and took a photo – perhaps that’s when I jinxed myself.

We ran down into the valley and after a stop behind a rock to pee again (running downhill has that effect on my bladder), I realized we must be getting close to Lac Combal, the next cutoff point.

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The cutoff was for 10am and by my estimates I would get there an hour ahead of that. I pushed on despite the tiredness, sure I would get my second wind soon. I came into the checkpoint over an hour and a half ahead of the cutoff. I did my usual routine, rubbish, water, get nutrition out and in a place easy to get to. Because of the tiredness I decided to eat an extra chocolate, then I got out of there. I walked and jogged down the road feeling ok and then we started up to Arete du Mont Favre. This is a comparatively short climb but it felt like it took forever. I wasn’t sure what was going on, my legs weren’t hurting on the climbs but I was feeling completely zapped of energy. Still I kept climbing, up through groups of cows with their bells softly tinkling as they moved. We could see the tent up ahead on the hill, marking the checkpoint, a beacon to keep moving and not stop. As I reached the top the woman at the checkpoint asked me to look behind and make way for the people lined up behind me. I must have looked crestfallen (I hate to hold people up) as the guy behind me told me I had dragged him up the hill and that it was ok. Shaken that I had not been aware of holding people up, I stepped aside and walked the start of the descent. I began running and would leapfrog people, frustratingly having to stop and walk as I was having trouble focusing. The tiredness was getting worse. As I got close to Col Checrouit, I began to see people lying in the sunshine sleeping, only one or two but they were there. It seemed I wasn’t the only one feeling tired. I decided to take a moment to gather myself and splash some water on my face in the hope I would wake up. It was just after 10:30am. As I left the Col Checrouit aid station, I knew things were unravelling. I was having trouble actually keeping my eyes open now and on top of that my quads were hurting on the downhills.

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Leaving Col Checrouit aid station

I had taken a revvie (caffeine supplement) before the last aid station but it had done nothing. I messaged my crew and told them I needed to sleep at Courmayer. The descent took me forever. I was hurting but more than that, I didn’t trust myself to run as my eyes would roll into my head anytime I even blinked. I would run a couple of steps then walk, shake my head trying to wake myself and then repeat. As I came into Courmayer I could barely run the even road for fear of falling over, the only thing that kept me moving was knowing I would see my crew shortly and that I could nap.

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Making my way through town to my crew at Courmayer

At Courmayer I grabbed my drop bag (this is the only spot you have a drop bag on the UTMB course) and was disheartened to see so few bags left on the racks. I quickly dismissed that, I wasn’t really racing anyone, I just wanted to finish. I was trying hard to stem the panic, I would feel better after this stop, I told myself. Inside Kirsten and I found a space and I quickly lay down whilst she organized things for my pack. I fell asleep but was soon awake again. I figured if I woke myself I was ready to go. I changed shoes and socks, popped a blister that was forming under a nail and busied myself getting ready. As I went to leave this was the closest I came to tears. Despite having stuck ridgidly to me nutrition plan I felt like shit, I was still tired and now I was scared, I knew I still had some big climbs ahead of me and I also knew that every time I climbed the tiredness felt worse.
As I left the hall, Bec was waiting for me and talked to me as I walked. I whinged about feeling so tired, but she would have none of it. So, off I hiked, trying to put on a brave face but all the time just wanting to close my eyes.

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Looking as tired as I feel, leaving Courmayer

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From Courmayer there is very bitey climb up to Refuge Bertone, it starts up a street that turns to dirt road and then to trail. Before I even hit the dirt road I was struggling to move my feet and I had begun weaving. Another runner, who I am sure meant to say something well meaning, came up beside me and told me I had to be strong, the second night is always harder – really not what I needed to hear. I was trying to focus on the trail, on my footsteps but all I could think about was sleep. As we hit the trail, people sat or lay on every switchback and I just wanted to join them. I messaged my crew

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The climb was possibly the worst in my life. I dragged every step, constantly having to step off the path to be overtaken and feeling powerless to go any faster. My crew tried to prod me, my dear friend Maz, who had supported me at Alpine Challenge rang me to try and help but the tiredness was just overwhelming. I actually took my pack off at one point and went to lie down but realised that if I did that it was over, so I got back up and slowly dragged myself up to the Refuge. I was now mainlining chocolate along with all my usual nutrition in the hope it would somehow miraculously make the tiredness disappear. Despite moving so slowly and being constantly overtaken, I managed to make it to Refuge Bertone.

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The end of the climb to Refuge Bertone, Courmayer in the valley below

At this aid station I decided to have a coke and then keep going. I haven’t had cola in a long time, and I hoped the combination of caffeine and sugar might help. As I went to leave, a volunteer informed us that as we popped over the ridge it would be very cold and windy. I had taken my jacket off during the climb up to the refuge, so this meant finding a spot to get it out and put it on. I did so reluctantly, as any time I wasn’t moving I had to fight harder to both stay awake and get going again, but within 5min of leaving I was glad I did.
The trail between Refuge Bertone and Refuge Bonatti was beautiful, more of a rolling single track with Mt Blanc across the valley on the left hand side. Not as exposed, we wove in and out of forest and across small streams. It was now late afternoon but we were kept cool by the wind that sped along the valley. I knew I was getting close to cutoffs and was attempting to run where I could but my brain was refusing to cooperate. My eyes continued to droop, despite my legs feeling okay. As we made the last little climb up to Bonatti I started chatting with an English guy, we commiserated on our shared tired stupor and also the fact that we were unlikely to make the cutoff – misery loves company. As we walked into Bonatti the volunteer informed us that we had 15min to be out and to make our stop quick, if we moved quickly we could get to Arnouvaz before cutoff. My British friend and I looked at each other and decided we had to at least give it a crack. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a coke refill in my cup and left, my British friend ran past me 5min later on the trail. I was now focused on trying to get to Arnouvaz before 6:15pm. I had my doubts – I had been on my feet for 23hrs now and had less than an hour to make the 5km trek but I was willing to try.

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Oh so tired but still moving

So, I pushed, I jogged (it definitely wasn’t running) until I would trip and then I would hike. I watched as the minutes seemed to tick by so much faster than the metres. About three quarters of the way through to the next checkpoint and the temperature dropped and it started to rain. I pulled over my hood and thought about getting my gloves but decided against it for times sake. As I started the descent into Arnouvaz I knew it would be very close. I was unsure of exactly how far it was to go when the clock clicked over 6:15pm and I knew my race was over. I stopped jogging and hiked, knowing there was no use to running any faster. It turned out I was less than a kilometer from the checkpoint. As we came into the Arnouvaz, one of the volunteers greeted us and told us they were sorry but the race was over. I just nodded as she cut off my bag and bib timing chips and then hurried to catch the bus back to Courmayer. It was over.

It is just over a week since my attempt at UTMB. There is a lot of introspection and analyzing still going on in my head. I am very lucky that I know others who have done UTMB because it has helped me gain a bit more perspective, it really is one of those races that you can’t fully comprehend or understand until you’ve been there and experienced it yourself.

I have had a few questions about why I got so sleepy. The truth is, I don’t really know. I am still trying to figure that out, but the discussions I have had lead me to believe it was probably a combination of things, including running at altitude (which I have never done before), my body still adjusting to the time zone changes and the evening start.

I guess most people would expect that I am disappointed at ‘only’ 100km of my dream race, which is actually 172km. The truth is, I was always doubtful that I would get past the 30 and 50km time cutoffs, being more of a slow and steady runner. I hadn’t really studied the course past Courmayer in the way that I usually would for a race, so I was happy to get to 100km. Of course I have disappointments and a lot of “what if’s” going on. I have to keep reminding myself that I know so much more now than I did when I started race.

I have also had a lot of people commiserate with me and tell me, I’ll finish next time. That it takes a few goes to get this one right. Maybe that’s true? Unfortunately this was a one shot deal for me. The chasing of points and the travel to the race itself, if and when you get in, is an expensive endeavor and whilst I would love to give it another shot (if anyone wants to bankroll me!) I am content that I got to see those mountains and play in them for just awhile. Plus there are so many other amazing places to run, that are much easier to get to. The list always seems to keep growing!

The biggest thing I have learnt from this race is that mountains truly are my joy, where I belong and want to be. It has been eye opening. I expected to arrive and feel totally overwhelmed by the European mountains, they are so epic, next level to anything I have ever seen, but I never once felt intimidated or scared of them, I just felt excited and wanted to be out there amongst it. So, whilst my journey to UTMB may be over, the adventure that it has sparked in my heart still continues. The mountains are forever calling.

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Thanks to:
My hubby and kids for supporting me in my running adventures despite the time and money it takes for me to do these things.
My coach, Matt from Judd Adventures, for his constant support, for getting me through my training healthy and not burnt out and for always making sure I still found the joy in what I love.
My support crew, Kirsten and Rebecca, for taking time and money away from their families to help support me both before, during and after the race.
Maz, for always being there for me and always asking me the hard questions that need to be asked
Everyone who has come along on this crazy journey with me. Who has messaged me or commented on my social media posts. I have loved sharing my journey with you and I draw on your support whenever things get tough or my self belief gets low.

Gear
Shoes – Topo Runventure 2
Socks – Injinji
Pack – Ultimate Direction Adventure Vest 4.0
Poles – Leki MicroTrail Pro
Jacket – Patagonia
Glasses – Julbo Eyewear
Pants – Kathmandu dri-motion leggings
Thermals – Icebreaker

 

Race week fear

I’m sitting in my Air B’n’B in Chamonix and I am in tears. I am so scared right now. That fear is mixed in with so many emotions. I am so grateful for the opportunity to run here, the joy just looking out at these mountains brings is immense, I’m excited, I’m worried, I’m hungry (ask my crew, I’m always hungry 😉 )

People often tell me I’m badass or say that I’m so strong. I never really feel those labels though. I’m just me. A mum who works as a housekeeper and also likes to run a long way in the mountains. I have big dreams, I often feel like they are way beyond my capabilities, but my husband has taught me (by example) that we only have one life to live and and we should try to live without the regrets of not having at least tried. I love him so very much for that.

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To go all the way around Mt Blanc..

So, here I am. I am looking at the cutoffs and thinking about the logistics of staying ahead of them, in the crowds of runners. I so badly want to finish, to see the whole trail around this magnificent mountain. It sucks, because I feel like I can go the distance, its the speed that could be my downfall.

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The start of the PTL (300km team event)

This morning we saw the start of the PTL. The wave of overwhelm as I watched the runners make their way through the streets was chest crushing. As my crew and I sat in the cafe afterwards the fear overtook me, the tears began to flow. I want this, I want this so badly that my whole being screams for it. I want to make it past 30k, past 50k, I want to do this and do it well.

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Part of the magnificent Massif du Mt Blanc

I know the next few days will be shakey. A rollercoaster to the start line. There will be, undoubtedly, more tears, more sitting gazing at mountains, hoping I am enough, that I will make it through. So thankful for my crew for holding my hand and letting me be fragile when I need to be.

This is all part of the experience.

 

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Nothing like a big arch to make you feel really small

 

An Adventure on the Motatapu Track

The weeks leading up to Motatapu were fraught with stress and worry. The truth is, I don’t really like 50km events, mostly because I’m not that great at the distance. My last two 50km events were pretty disappointing and this race was on a very technical trail with somewhere upward of 2900m of vertical climbing. My coach, Matt, agreed that the distance isn’t my “sweet spot” which in some ways takes the pressure off but also makes me want to prove myself. After my usual freak out 2 weeks before the race, I resigned myself to just giving it a go and seeing it as a good training run, if nothing else.

The morning of the race saw me up at 4:30am, it was a new experience getting to sleep in my own bed the night before a race, but not necessarily a good thing in the end. Being that I am still solo parenting it meant that the night before had been anything but restful, I spent the night preparing everything so my kids would be ok for race day until my friend Rachael arrived to hang out with them and also doing all my usual saturday jobs around the house so I wouldn’t have to do them sunday. In the darkness I quickly and quietly got ready. I left a little early to go pick up another runner, Peter, who had flown in for the race from Sydney and needed a lift and local runner Ruth, who actual won the women’s race on the day. We chatted on the way to the start and I actually found it helped calm my nerves. Once we arrived Ruth and I sat in the car to chat some more, non to keen to get out and stand around in the cold for longer than we needed. Eventually the start line called and we went our separate ways. As I strolled to the start line (obviously not my favourite place) I wandered along side Lucy B, wishing her well for her run and chatting about the views past Fern Burn Hut, the furthest I had been along the trail.

At the start line I found the finish line drop bag trailer and mucked around with my bag, debating whether to start with my fleece or stow it in my bag headed to the finish line in Arrowtown. It was a chilly 7’C but I knew that even at this temp once I got a km or so in I would feel uncomfortably warm and restricted. As they called for the briefing, I made the decision to stash my fleece and rely on my gloves for warmth. As I rocked back and forth trying to keep warm while listening to the RD explain the low river route to Arrowtown I looked around, hoping to see a glimpse of my running idol, Anna Frost. Unfortunately it was not to be. With 2 minutes until the start I found a space, did a warm up routine and tried to quieten my mind. I was worried about the first cutoff, about the run along the dirt road to the trail and about how my body would hold up after it had felt niggly and tight all week.

As the airhorn rang out I was glad we were started. I switched on my headlamp, a little glad for the cover of darkness as it felt easier for some reason. I was ignoring heart rate until I hit the first cutoff point so I settled into what felt like a comfortably hard pace. I let a lot of people go, trying not to let the mind games start and found a few people sitting around my pace and just stuck with them. The road went quickly, all I really remember is my light on the legs of the people in front of me, the dust being kicked up by my fellow runners and the grunts and mumbled words of those around me. Sooner than I thought we hit the trail and I immediately felt calmer. I had run this part of the trail in the dark and felt comfortable, enjoying being able to push a little harder than usual on the trail. I knew the flow of the trail and while others ran past me, working hard, their breath heavy, I felt like I floated finding a flow, a rhythm. I didn’t care that others passed by at this point, I knew it was going to get harder ahead and as I hit the deer gate marking the entry to the The Stacks Conservation Area I glanced at my watch, happy with the time it showed, comforted that I should be able to make the cutoff point if I wasn’t held up too much. At the beech forest the trail became more technical, but I knew that and while I kept things comfortably hard I was buoyed that I was obviously more comfortable than many ahead of me, as I crept up behind and asked to pass here and there. I was delighted as my headlamp flashed upon the big red fairy mushrooms here and there. I hadn’t been on the trail here for over a month and had never seen these delights here in the forest before. I smiled, thinking of my friend Liv, fairy houses deep in the beech forest for sure. As I stepped across a tree root my ankle reminded me that it wasn’t 100% happy and I made sure to watch my footing. We began to climb out of the forest to see that the sky had lightened and I was slowed by a long line of people. Although I knew I could move faster I hesitated to ask to pass, as the line was so long it would have mean asking 10-15 times. I figured a slow in pace for a bit would not make me miss the cutoff and would help with the coming climbs. Eventually people stepped off the trail and I was able to move at my own pace, I came across another runner who was removing clothing and stowing in her pack, she fell in behind me and introduced herself, saying she knew me from Instagram, that made me laugh and we chatted as we jogged along. As we came around the corner Fern Burn Hut came into view and I let out a little whoop of joy, happy in the knowledge that I had beat the cutoff. I wondered what gear they would be checking, as we had been told there would be a mandatory gear check and went through my checklist in my head to see if I needed anything here.

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Views back to Glendhu Bay, where we started.

As we got to the hut we were informed there was no check other than to make sure our mandatory SPOT tracker was on, so I walked on through, excited to see the top of the next climb as it would be completely new territory. As we climbed I pulled my pace back and began watching my heart rate. The sun was just starting to touch the tops of the surrounding mountains. I was trucking along comfortably, being passed here and there but also passing others. The climb continued and suddenly I was aware that I could see my breath, looking at my feet I saw frost on the plants around the trail and mist rising off the small creek I had just hopped over, it was a bit of alpine magic. After a nice little punchy climb I was disturbed by a whirring sound and noticed a drone in the sky, coming around the incline we were greeted by a helicopter. I smiled and said hi to one of the volunteers standing nearby and headed over and down the ridge. On my left was a steep drop, beautiful but a little scary. If you go to the Motatapu Ultra page this ridge is the photo banner.

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A small dirt path lead down into the shadowy valley, the runners ahead of me looking like colourful specks, yes it was that far and steep. I concentrated on my foot placement, not really looking at the drop worried that fear would overtake me. I slipped once, just slightly and reminded myself to breath, to watch my feet and keep moving, stopping was not an option. We hit the valley floor and crossed the creek to be met with a wall of mountain. I knew that after this climb we would descend again and then be at the second checkpoint. I reached up to move some hair from my face and my hand banged my headlamp, I quickly added that to the list of things I needed to deal with as I began the climb/scramble up the hill. I chatted to other runners, talking about the views, the steepness, the way we had to hoist ourselves up the trail using the branches and grass – it was so freaking fun! At around this point I caught up to Ricky who had overtaken me awhile back and along with a female ultra team (there is also a race for teams of two over the ultra distance), we jogged into the second checkpoint at Highland Hut. My GPS was reading 17km, although I knew from the website that the Hut was meant to be 15km, so I made a note to add 2km to the distance for each following checkpoint.

At the checkpoint, the volunteers welcomed us and pointed us in the direction of the water. Ricky and I set up side by side. I removed my headlamp and swapped it for my hat, tying my buff onto my front pack straps for use later on and set about refilling my bottles. Ricky made a comment about my “elicit white powder” and we had a little laugh. Filling my bottles I got my pack on and moved to leave, as the vollies shared that the lead male had just gone through the last checkpoint – holy crap that’s fast! Across the creek, I jogged along the flat enjoying being able to move with more rhythm I started to catch up some others. The next 2 big climbs are a a blur of chats, of watching my feet, of looking across mountains in awe of the space I was in, watching lizards run around my feet and butterflies flying across my path, basically feeling like I was the luckiest person in the world.

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Valley views from the top of one of the climbs

In between the two climbs there was a steep descent down into a valley of beech forest and some welcome shade. The sun was now high, the highlands have no cover other than the waist high tussock grasses and due to past experiences of heat stroke in races I was very mindful of my temperature. As we hit the bottom of the valley and crossed the creek flowing through it, I removed my buff and drenched it in icy water, washing my face and neck, I plunged it in again and then reattached it to my pack. As we climbed I would use the buff to keep me cool whenever the breeze dropped and I was left in the belting sun. At the top of the third climb a dirt road far below came into view, I could see very (very) small figures and the woman just ahead of me commented that it was probably the marathon runners and mountain bikers, whose paths we would cross up ahead. Soon we were descending and on a small scramble, that reminded me of one of my training runs, I managed to overtake two women, another ultra team. Further down the descent I overtook two men and was caught up by one of the women I had just passed. She commented on the guy with the deck chair on a flat section below, as we got closer it became apparent he had a camera. The woman I was running with decided to hang back and wait for her team mate as I ran ahead. As I passed I thanked him for being out here and I sincerely meant it, generally the photographers have packed up and left when I run through.

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Happy to see the photographer!

I could now see Roses Hut and behind it the final big climb to Roses Saddle. Trying not to dwell on the climb ahead, I made my way to the road below. At the road we headed right against the flow of marathoners and mountain bikers. Making sure I smiled and said hello to each person, I was starting to feel the tiredness creep in, the hello’s and hi fives helped buoy me along to the checkpoint. Greeted once again by cheerful volunteers, I took off my pack and busied myself refilling flasks and my bladder with the help of one of the volunteers. There were a number of others sitting on the steps, one person dealing with some large blisters, others eating or resting. The checkpoint had the usual chips, crackers, lollies and also a big tub of chocolate brownie. As I shoved everything back in my pack I contemplated the brownie but decided that just before a big climb it was probably not a good idea. I set off again as quickly as I could, I was hot and tired and was worried that if I paused it would be for longer than required.

I took the next climb slow, mostly because I was tired. I focussed on the people ahead, making sure I wasn’t falling behind and trying to catch them if I could. Around now two things started happening. A slight cramp had been developing in the middle toe on my left foot and when I placed my foot in a certain way pain would surge through the ball of my foot, so I watched how I put my foot very carefully in each step, thankfully my ankle had stopped hurting. Despite staying on top of my nutrition I was starting to get dizzy whenever I looked up or around. As there was nothing I could really do about it, I decided that I would rather be dizzy at the top than half way up the mountain and kept my head down and kept moving. The last climb started out fairly easy, then halfway up the mountain we proceeded straight up the ridgeline. My fellow runners were all also battling the mountain by this point, with people pulling off to sit by the side of the trail, some shaking their heads, others with their head in their hands. Despite my tiredness and the heat, I actually felt ok, just a bit out of pep. At the top I was excited to see the river below and the thought of sinking into it helped me find the energy to run down the mountain at a decent trot, overtaking a couple of people.

At the base we were greeted with two signs, one pointing to the “High Water” route, the traditional poled route and the “Low Water” route. At the briefing we had been advised to take the low route, which looked a lot more inviting at this point, we were also told that while we would be in the river there would be streamer markers to show where we could hop out and move along the bank. I stepped into the river and was soon in up to my knees. There were no visual markers and the two people ahead of me were slowly picking their way along close to the bank. I figured I was wet anyway so I waded along the river, I had the biggest grin on my face as it was just so damn fun. The water was that clear alpine blue, with a rocky, pebbly bottom, it reminded me of rock hopping at the creek back in Australia. It was slow going, every now and again we would see some pink flagging tape and jump out of the creek, gingerly pushing our way through the spiky matagouri and rose bush only to be back in the river in 20-50m. Did I mention fun! I absolutely loved this section, although it was slow going between finding footing, keeping an eye on the river banks for tape and making sure I stayed upright. Tiredness had well and truly set in but there were people around me constantly, which made it easier to keep moving. After about 4km of this we hit the next checkpoint. From here on we were only crossing the river, running predominantly on 4 wheel drive tracks. My legs were starting to hurt, the pain in my glutes reminding me of the latter stages of Alpine Challenge. My mind was also turning to my kids and my bus home, which I was obviously not going to make. I had an hour to get to the finish to be within my own expectations for the run and to catch the bus, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I was jogging along ok when around the corner I spied a pole marker. Unsure of whether to follow the poled route or the 4 wheel drive track I stopped to get out my course map to check. Before I could properly check another runner came along and confidently announced “this way” and in my tired state I just went “ok”. I should have known better. 200m in I knew it was the wrong way and turned around after shouting these thoughts ahead. The other runner came charging back, apologising as he passed, I jogged along, feeling a little defeated and silly for my mistake. I began to spiral a little here. The length of time on feet, combined with worry about how I was going to get home plus my steps off course were building up in my head. Seeing it as another sugar low I started into my emergency m&m’s and willed myself to jog everything I could. The last 7km were tough, the lengthening shadows were a constant reminder of how long I’d been out there and although the 4wd track had pretty outlook on the mountains I was finding it quite boring after all the mountain majesty of earlier in the day. I was running well on the downhills but ups that I would normally run were now being hiked and the flats were a constant negotiation between my head and legs.

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Charge to the finish!

With the finish line in earshot, about 1.5km away, I resolved to run the rest of the way, I was happy that I did but so very tired once I crossed it. It was also kind of bittersweet. I had just been on a most amazing adventure, but it was the first ultra I had run without having anyone I knew waiting for me at the finishline. Instead of revelling in what had just happened, I walked as fast as I could to the info tent to find out if there was another bus I could catch and where my drop bag was. Once the bag was found, I had changed and the bus was sorted I sat down and was greeted with messages from family and friends who had been watching. That made it a little easier. When I got home I also got a hug from my friend Rach, who had given up her saturday arvo and evening to look after my kids – thats just how awesome she is.

Despite the amazing fun I had out on the course (seriously, I was so happy out there until the last 8km), by Sunday afternoon my run time had clouded my joy. I was disappointed, I had had higher expectations of myself and my ego was a little battered by the result. Luckily I have an amazing support network. Thanks to my dear friends, who indulge my mental frailties, and my wonderful coach who always hears out my whinges and then tells it like it is to give me some perspective, after a few days I was able to move past that detail. In fact the joy has come flooding back and I am really looking forward to heading back out on the Motatapu trail over the coming months of training (or that could be the recovery induced lack of training talking).

So, to sum up, Motatapu Ultra was a most amazing adventure. It was everything I expected and a little more. It is easily the hardest race I have ever done (including Shotover and the 50km legs of Northburn and Alpine Challenge) but also the most fun I’ve ever had running a 50k race and was stunningly beautiful. In fact if I had to encapsulate it in three words it would be epically, brutally beautiful. You should totally run it!

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Having the best fun ever

Gear
Ultimate Direction Adventure Vesta 2.0
Injinji socks/hat/buff
Derby Skinz skirt
Aldi compression shorts (seriously my favourite!)
Inov8 trailroc 245’s
Suunto Ambit3 Peak

Nutrition
TrailBrew
Clif Bars
Snickers
Potato Crisps
M&M’s
Fresh red apple
Fresh Pineapple

Thanks to
Injinji Performance Products and TrailBrew for their ongoing support on my adventures
My coach, Matt from Judd Adventures
My hubby and kids for encouraging and supporting my running
My support crew who were with me in spirit all day long
My friend Rach, who looked after my kids so I could go have an adventure.
The crew and volunteers from Motatapu for such an amazing event.

There Is No “Only”

I recently signed up for my first race of the season, a local mountainous 50km, the Motatapu Ultra. Whilst discussing it with a friend I confessed I was rather freaked out about running this race. In her efforts to console me she exclaimed “But you ran three times that distance at Alpine Challenge, this is only 50k!!” While I appreciate the sentiment, the truth is that there is no such thing as ONLY 50km, just as there is no such thing as ONLY 1km or ONLY 5km or ONLY 10km. In fact I have taken to jumping on people (not literally jumping on them, but correcting their wording) when I hear the word come out of their mouth.

People seem to think that because I have done some longer races that the shorter distances suddenly become a breeze, its “only” a 5km run…. For me, the shorter distances are harder in a lot of ways. My strength lies in my strong, consistent pace over a long period of time. I count on my ability to outlast my competitors as it were, to do the tough bits (hello, electrical storms on the alpine plains) and not give up. 50km does not give me time to catch my competitors, I will no doubt be firmly at the back of the pack, in fact I am once again living with the fear of meeting the first cutoff point. As for anything shorter, the idea of running a 5km race scares the absolute bejesus out of me! I have never run a 5km race, I have never done ParkRun, but even when I have to do a hard 5km in training I stress out about it to the max. I know how much it is going to hurt and I also know how stuck in my head I get about my pace.

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There is also this thing we do, where we diminish what we have accomplished by using words such as “only” or “just” (Lucy Bartholomew wrote a great post on social media about this last week). Its sad that when people find out I run and we start chatting, that they will say “I only ran 5km”. Dude! 5km is a heck of a long way. I spent most of my life not being able to run 200m! Or “I only run a km, then I walk, then I run again for a bit”. You only run a km? What the? You RAN a km! Do you have any idea how often I walk, in both training and racing? There is no only! All that really matters is that you set out to do something, you set your own goals according to your abilities and you celebrate the wins. Yes, I have run a heck of a long way a few times, but that does not, in anyway, diminish whatever distance you ran or want to run. Every distance is hard for its own reasons. So please, stop saying only, you did awesome.

Now I’m off to go stress about a certain run in 4 weeks time….

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The 2017 Run that Changed Everything

Having run both Northburn (you don’t race it, you survive it!) and my first 100 mile race you would think those would be pivotal runs and that one of those would have been the most important run of my year. Or maybe the run where I broke my 5km personal best? Or my 10km best time? No. None of those were it.

The most important run of my year happened on July 24th. The kids and I had flown out to our new home in Wanaka just 7 days before. We had had a whirlwind week of travel, settling in to our unfurnished house, with nothing but the things we brought in our suitcases. My coach, Matt, had set me a “Welcome to Wanaka” run. It involved summiting  the quintessential Roy’s Peak and Matt warned me it would involve snow and possibly ice, warranting a quick trip to the local outdoor store for some microspikes.

I had just dropped all three kids off for their first day at their new schools. It was probably good that I had been so busy dealing with all their anxieties about the coming day as it left me very little time to worry about my own endeavours. This would be the first time I ever ran in snow, the first time on the Roy’s Peak track, first time using microspikes and first time doing a long training run whilst solo parenting here in New Zealand. If I had really thought about it I may have been overwhelmed and backed out of the run.

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Less than a third of the way up – clouds coming in

When I got the start of the trailhead, I rang the local DOC (Department of Conservation) office to check the conditions. Having never run in snow or alpine environments before, I was being cautious. The climb was amazing, the views breathtaking. As I climbed higher the temperature continued to drop and snow patches lay on the ground. The snow deepened and became ice across sections of the track, prompting me to try out my new gear and attaching my microspikes to my shoes. I stopped twice to take urgent phone calls from the kids schools, checking on details and making sure we had all we needed for the week ahead. My hubby called to make sure everything had gone ok. It was a less than perfect “run” but it was real and it was cold and it was something I never thought I could do. As I reached the deep snowline, I began post holing my way to the summit.

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Above the snow line but not in deep snow yet

Checking my map and telling myself I could do this. Plenty of people do this every day. The snow was wet and cold. My toes were frozen. The views off the back side of Roys were steep and testing my fear of heights, but my head was firmly set on making it to the summit. There is a sense of relief as well as accomplishment to reaching a summit. When I reached the top I stood alone and just gazed out at the clouds in amazement, there was no view to speak of. I was amazed at what I had just done, that I was there, living in Wanaka, and that I had just summited a real mountain, alone, in the snow. That I could do that. Me. The hippy mum from Northern NSW who liked to run in the bush.

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Views thanks to a momentary break in the clouds

The run down was no less epic. I ran (as opposed to hiked) through snow, I felt the childlike thrill of freezing cold air on my cheeks, wet and frozen toes and the heat of my breath and body making steam around me. Then it started to snow. Just small delicate flakes, lasting less than a few seconds on my skin, but snow nonetheless.

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On the way down, jacket off and pink cheeks despite the cold

I finished my run. Breathless and exhilarated. I cried, the tension and anxiety of doing so many new things in such a short space of time coming out as tears. I looked up at the mountain, the peak fleetingly visible here and there between the clouds, in awe that I had just been up there.

That run changed a lot of things. It showed me I could do these new and hard things without someone there to hold my hand, to lead me along, to show me the way. I could be my guide. It didn’t mean being reckless or dangerous. I could be methodical and thoughtful. Prepare myself and take my own lead. I could do the hard thing and I could do it alone if need be. It was on that run that I learnt how much I love the mountains, the real mountains. I thought I did, but being there in that truly alpine environment that is such a start and scary beauty made me feel like this is where I belonged and I knew I wanted to spend more time there. I found that there is something about the challenge and the tinge of fear of doing something new, something outside the comfort zone that I love, that I take strength and joy from. Sometimes the mountain allows you to reach her summit and sometimes she doesn’t. I have hiked and run up a number of mountains since then, both here in New Zealand and back in Australia. The views from some have been amazing, easily better than that first run up Roy’s. Some have been little more than a trig point at the top of an alpine grassland. A few I haven’t made it to the top of, despite my best efforts, due to my fears getting the best of me or my time being short. Each has been an experience that I took something away from. Each has made me grow.

That first run up Roy’s Peak though, that was the run that changed everything. Its when I began to understand who I truly was, what it was I was searching for and where it was I wanted to be.

“The mountains are calling and I must go, and I will work on while I can, studying incessantly” (John Muir) for I still have so much to learn….

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